Waiting for the Worms

I am waiting for the worms. I have applied another salvo in my ongoing chemical war with crab grass. I am trying to get it to cede... get it? to cede? Whatever, I thought it was funny. Certainly funnier that if I said I am waging a chemical war with crab grass in an attempt to make it abdicate. That wouldn't be funny at all.

But I wonder if there might be something a little more intense going on under the surface. I have applied so many chemicals in some pretty liberal ratios. Sure, my grass is as green as the hills of Erin, but is at what cost, (besides the $200.00 or so dollars I have spent to purchase my secret cocktails)? Today, I accidentally sprayed crab grass and broad leaf killer on at a ratio of 3 oz. per gallon... it was supposed to be 3 Tbsp. per gallon. After that, I decided to go ahead and spray the bug killer, too. What the heck... let's put three times the recommended dosage on. Em really hates bugs.

My mind wanders to cinematic masterpieces like Kingdom of the Spiders,(where interstingly no spider chewed the scenery quite as well as one Mr. William Shatner),CHUD, and Night of the Living dead. I wonder if maybe I have unwittingly put the right chemicals in the exact right ratios, mixed with the intense electrical thunderstorms expected tonight and made up a batch of super mutant worms. Angry, super mutant worms. Carnivorous, angry, super mutant worms. Or worse yet, Hungry, carnivorous, angry super mutant worms.

It is Friday the 13th after all. Stranger things have happened; at least on screen. And while I make it a point never to have premarital sex at the abandoned summer camp on the 35th anniversary of the little boy's mysterious drowning (the one where they never found the body), I suppose it isn't out of the realm of possibility that I will be beset upon by hungry, carnivorous, angry super mutant worms.

I hope not. I have showered twice today and really just feel like settling down with some nice wine and watching some tube. But that's how it starts of course. The fat dumb white guy, chilling in front of the TV, dozing a little when he hears a distant ambiguous noise. It could be anything, and it definitely was something. But he can't be bothered. No, whatever it was will keep. Probably just a cat, or a "damn kid" sneaking around outside. Then, BAM! Worm food.

Maybe I have a leg up on that guy, since I already suspect a visit from the hungry, carnivorous, angry super mutant worms. Instead of sitting idly and being surprised from behind by the hungry, carnivorous, angry super mutant worms, I will jump to the noise with and splash my glass of wine on the first worm which will cause it to shriek in terror buying me some time. I will grab the cats and Emily who will follow me because they think I am trying to save them; but they don't know I plan on using them to throw at the worms if it comes to that.

Yep, I am going to be the first fat white man to live through the attack. I have my glass of wine and my attention is slowly being stolen by the tellie. I see there is a thunderstorm outside right now and a few right behind it. Each crash of thunder brings us closer to the invasion of the hungry, carnivorous, angry super mutant worms. Are you ready?