Twisted VanDyke

Did you know I do not have a goatee? I have a Vandyke. A goatee does not have a mustache, and while I don't have much of a mustache, there is a vague shadow there that implies a mustache would go in that general area if I could only grow one.

So, the majority of people have Vandykes, not goatees. There is of course the third option which is the soul patch, which is the allowing the little patch directly beneath your lower lip to grow, but remaining clean shaven elsewhere. I think they should call it the douche patch, but that's just me and I'll thank me to keep my opinion to myself.

Anyway, why the beard history? Because I am sporting, of late, a new variation on the Vandyke I am calling the Twisted Vandyke. Why? Because for some reason, after 10 years of continuous Vandyke sportage, I for some reason can't get the stupid thing on straight! It has gotten to the point where I am ready to get rid of it out of spite. As if shaving it off will teach it some sort of lesson. I picture a Far Side comic with a man staring at a sink full of whiskers, exclaiming, "So, There!"

Then I remember I have no chin under there, which is why I have it in the first place. Not to mention that as a bald guy, I take on a strangely uncanny Mr. Potatohead (Potatoehead to you, Mr. Quayle) like appearance I don't have facial hair.

So now I am flying to Savannah to see people I haven't seen in 8+ years with a crooked goatee... or Vandyke, or whatever. I can't go anywhere from here, because it is now too small to do anything with. It is a classic case of "I keep cutting it and it's still too short."

Why am I having problems now all of a sudden? I think it can only be attributed to face sag. That's right. I am getting older and like everyone (outside Demi Moore and Angelina Jolie), my face is losing the battle with gravity. Apparently, one of my chins, the left one, is more prone to saggage. As such, when I go to trim up and I stretch out my skin so I don't give myself a carotedectomy and bleed to death all over the place.

All looks well, until I let down all the chins, only to find a crooked, jagged Vandyke that looks like it was drawn on in some forced perspective reminiscent of the late works of Picasso. It will end up being ok, by Monday, after I don't care anymore since I will be back home.

There is an old-timey barber in town who would likly give me the straight razor treatment once a week for $10. But then I have to contend with a guy holding a straight razor to my neck. I don't need a Sicilian smile performed on my. It comes from years of being a devotee of mob history. You're just asking for someone to "do you". Maybe I should just get a chin implant and neck lipo.