Travels, Travails, Trials and Tribulations

Emily and I went out to Las Vegas to surprise my Dad for his birthday, which is actually December 2nd. We did the same for my Mom back in January and we had such a good time, that we resolved there and then to do the same thing for Dad.

And we again had a great time. Traveling by air, anymore a crap-shoot where crashing into the ground in a fireball isn't even the worst thing that could conceivably happen, was a non-event. At least where logistics and safety were concerned.There's always the passengers themselves to contend with.

The nice young lady entered the door of the plane and I knew she was going to be a problem to the flight crew. She was, after all, outfitted like a sherpa with unending attachments and bags teeming from her person. She was petite, but due to the baggage she was bouncing into each and every person in rows 1-19. We were in row 20.

Hello new seat mate.

And so, after a brief but terse conversation with the cabin attendant to consolidate some of the bags, she sat down. It was then I noticed the one large bag was actually a pet carrier. She had a cat. No problem, I have cats. I like cats. The cat wasn't making noise, didn't stink and fit nicely under the seat ahead of her. She was nice enough to ask, as we were rolling down the runway if we were ok with cats. That was nice of her.

So the cat was no problem, but my new friend was made of arms and elbows and in spite of her small size, seemed to be all over my personal bubble. This reality was happening. To me. In spite of the fact I was halfway on Emily, with my back spanning the armrest between us that spent the entire flight in its upright and locked position.

I mostly got used to that. it was when she began to start spraying a juniper smelling spray every five minutes or so into her face that got to me.

"Oh, did I spray you?" she asked. "Sorry."

How could you not? You're practically sitting in my lap! At least she apologized the first time. The subsequent 200 times we freebies apparently.

I don't like the smell of juniper. She said at the end of the flight it was for the cat, to keep him calm. I didn't buy it. The cat was fine the entire time. She said it was Lavender spray... It smelled like gin to me. Which is fine, because as much as I dislike juniper, I really hate lavender.

She was a nice young woman, I imagine about Emily's age. When she wasn't sleeping and we weren't watching our movie, we spoke pleasantly.

The movie we rented on the iPad, Dark Shadows was only so-so. I am sure with a larger screen some of the visual pizazz would have helped overcome what was ultimately a poorly executed story that was well-acted.  My earbuds were cheapos that I bought in an airport and they are also extremely uncomfortable.

While out in Vegas, I looked for cheap noise cancelling headphones. I found them, at $30.00 apiece. That's pretty cheap so I didn't expect much.

We boarded the plane for our trip home and sat about 10 rows in front of a family with three young children. The wailing began immediately. As soon as the 'bong bong' indicated that we hit 10,000 feet and we could use electronic devices, Emily and I fairly dove into our bags to pull out the headsets.

What a revelation. I know these aren't "good" headphones. I know there are others on the market for even $85 apiece that are truly quality devices. But I didn't hear that baby crying the rest of the trip except when I would flip that toggle switch and turn off the noise cancelling, just to let in a little of the world.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa".

Yep. Still there.

We watched "The Candidate" which it was pretty clear I enjoyed as I was getting 'the look' from my fellow passengers each time I would laugh aloud. I think they were probably just taking their anger for the wailing out on me as I sat in my pleasant cocoon of adolescent comedy.

I saved $60.00 in alcoholic beverages on this trip alone by buying these cheap headphones. I highly recommend them, no matter how inexpensive.

We touched down on the runway in a cloud socked Detroit. A little high I thought. I am one of those that can time the touchdown as I am very into flight. I really get into approach and landing. I am, in short, a nerd.

And so I counted my five... four... three... two... one.... taking away one finger until I pantomimed landing with my flattened palm.

I was dismayed that I was a second... maybe even a second-and-a-half too fast.

As I was remarking to Emily about this, the wheels, directly beneath our row began to lockup squeal. That's not  a noise you want to hear. The antiskid system kicked in and we started to change direction rapidly. I could see out the starboard side that the pilot was trying to make the first high-speed turnoff. I was putting it all together now... I didn't count wrong, he landed high and fast.

It seemed to me as I was looking at the lights that he had actually stopped faster than he thought and we were now sort of transversely on the runway. Now what?

Since we were over the wing, I saw the starboard thrust reverser engage and heard the port engine spool up and we sort of backed up a little and got onto the taxi way. There were a number of planes in the pattern and I imagine not a lot of time to take evasive action. So, all things considered, they did a good job getting us off the runway.

Onto a one was taxi way. Going the wrong way.

We were now playing chicken with a DELTA MD80.

Long story short... (Too late)... We made it to the gate. I wanted to give the pilot a little good natured ribbing. But instead of standing up front at the flight deck door, graciously accepting plaudits for a job well done, the pilots apparently decided to get out of Dodge.

Long enough post for now. There's so much more I have to say about people in airports and on planes and whatever. It's all very funny. So, just suffice it to say you would enjoy it much and attribute those good feelings to me. Thanks.

Bad Joke Tuesday

The local soft rock station used to have a tradition known as "Bad Joke Tuesday", which I called frequently. I was well under age and so would disguise my voice in the way that only kids think makes them sound like adults. I always used my Dad's name.

I won a dozen donuts with one joke, which was the booby prize. Not being satisfied, I called right back, now with an accent, since I already blew my best, "Luke, I am my father" voice. Talk about commitment. And it was a long joke.

I shall not attempt to reproduce the joke here, because it is long and the punchline requires singing. They loved the joke and I won the first prize, tickets to see Yakov Smirnov. Imagine that being a prize of any size, let alone the grand prize. Hey, Grand Rapids was just a quiet berg back in the day, Yakov was a headliner.
I know I've written about this before from a different perspective, but Jerry Seinfeld was his opener and was brilliant.

I digress. The important part of this version of the story is that after telling this joke in what could kindly be considered and "inconsistent" accent, they asked my name.

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

"Yvonne," I said... "From Ecquador."

So while I am sure they didn't buy it they were cool enough to fake it. They put me on the radio, which I never heard because I had to catch a bus and I sent my Mom to get the tickets for me. I took a priest friend of mine and he treated me to dinner before the show.

So, I told two bad jokes for the privilege of hearing Yakov tell 45 minutes of them. Seems fair.

What does this have to do with anything? My sister just called me. A friend of hers from New York texted her at three this morning.

The text read, "What kind of drink is a Sandy?"

My sister, having spent a fair bit of time on both sides of the bar, wrote back, "You mean a shandy? That's a beer with lemon lime soda in it".

"No", came the reply, "A Sandy... It's a watered down Manhattan."

So, being it is an Election Day and a Tuesday, I thought I would resurrect Bad Joke Tuesday, if only for today. without further Ado some bad jokes. Some of my own, some classics. If you care to guess which are which, please feel free, but I won't tell you off hand which are which.
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Each day at 5, a doctor leaves his office and heads to a bar below his office and each day the bartender has a daiquiri with a cinnamon stick in it ready for the dock. Only today, the bartender realizes he is out of cinnamon sticks. So, thinking quickly, he grabs a piece of wood from beside the wood pizza oven, and puts it into the drink.
The doctor takes a sip and immediately asks, "What is this?"
And the bartender replies, "Why, it's your hickory daiquiri, Doc!"
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I heard the new church is state of the art. People are raving about the apse store!
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A priest and a rabbi are on a plane. They lapse into the inevitable spiritual debate. As it gets more heated, the plane has mechanical problems and crashes into the side of a mountain.
Of course, only the priest and rabbi live. the priest opens his eyes to see the rabbi giving himself the sign of the cross.

"Oh, Lord!," the priest proclaims, "In this moment of tragedy, I take notice of your glorious conversion of this man!"

"Conversion? Wvhat conversion? I was checking to make sure everything was in place... Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, Watch!"
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A priest and a rabbi who were friends we eating at a deli. They were jovially poking fun at each other when the conversation turned to eating Kosher.
The priest said, "I bet you've never had a ham sandwich. You don't know what you're missing!"
to which the rabbi replied, "But is is better than sex?"
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pile of leaves? Russell.
What do you call a girl with on leg longer than the other? Eileen.
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Why does the new Italian Navy have glass bottomed boats?
So they can see the old Italian Navy.

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A man is driving and suddenly sees flashing police lights behind him. Without hesitation, he speeds up and begins to drive as fast as he could.
After a chase, the cop finally gets him to pull over. the cop asks the man why he ran?
The man replied, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"
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A man is pulled over by a cop.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," says the man.
"That's not true, Harold," blurts his wife, "I told you you were speeding five minutes ago!"
"Shut up, Mildred before I slap you!" said the man.
"Jeez, lady, your husband always talk to you like that," asked the cop?
"Nah," she said, "Only when he's drunk!"
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Finally, one of my all time favorites:

Timmy, Tommy and Achmed are at recess. Timmy and Tommy won't let Achmed play with them in the sandbox. The bell rings and they all go back to the classroom.
Just like every day, the kids line up before the teacher and one by one tell her what they did for recess.

"What did you do, Timmy?"
"I played in the sandbox with Tommy!"
"Very good, spell 'sandbox' and you can have a cookie!"

"Tommy, what did you do?"
"I played in the sandbox with Timmy!"
"Great! Spell 'played' and you can have a cookie!"

Achmed's turn now and he looks sad. He explains he tried to play in the sandbox with Timmy and Tommy, but they just kept kicking sand in his face and calling him names.
"Oh, Achmed, I'm sorry. That wasn't very nice of them. But if you can spell 'institutionalized racism', you can have a cookie!"