Jamming all we could into the back of the Corvette, we were off on a sunny July 3rd to South Haven to go see the best fireworks show in west Michigan according to a website that for all we know was written by the same people who produce the show.
Whatever, that wasn't important. I mapped a leisurely route avoiding freeways so we could enjoy the increasingly rural scenery as we wended west and south toward our destination without undue stress on the 32 year old car. We took the GPS, but I had written the detailed instructions to Em could guide us turn by turn. This would require interaction and communication rather than simply following the machine.
We made it without incident, a bit sun baked on the outboard sides of our bodies. We were hungry when we rolled into the mass bit of chaos that defines the many lake shore communities of our fair state. There were as many Illinois license plates as Michigan, South Haven being a haven for the residents of Chicago. I won't at this point launch too far into a diatribe on my hatred for Illinois drivers... let's just say they could screw up a traffic jam. There was one incident in particular that I will not get into that reinforced my viewpoint to the extreme.
So, while in traffic, we had plenty of time to look at the 98% of people who should never wear bikinis. Too skinny or too fat, we decided it is a small population indeed that should be allowed to wear so little. If the internet has taught us anything it is that just because you are willing to walk around without clothes on doesn't mean you should.
We ate at a place called The Thirsty Perch. It was very good. Dessert was unnecessary but we did it anyway.
We trundled off in the direction of the masses who were shuffling like so many zombies who were all strangely equipped for the beach. We had no idea where we were going, but managed to make it there anyhow. We staked our claim and began to settle in when two men indicated there were going to be many kids there in a moment.
He seemed to indicate that he had claim to the acre of property surrounding him. Given his size, if the rest of his family were anything like him, he would need all that acre. My response was, well, we are only two people, so we'll be right here... and we love kids.
The time was 7:38 pm. It was 2 hours 52 minutes to show. And 2 hours 52 minutes of reinforcement of all my prejudices and stereotypes and hatred of people in general. Emily and I had eschewed both chairs, (which we left in the car because we didn't want to carry them), and entertainment such as magazines. She brought mad-libs, but left the pen in the car. We were left to ourselves in the neutral ground between the two fattest and most annoying families in all of Michigan.
We did not know we would be judging a competition of which was worse between two overweight, under smart and ironically seemingly well-moneyed families. It was hell.
The family in back, the ones who warned us of their impending descent on the grounds staged a farting contest. There was also a 20 minute non-stop run of "yo-mamma" jokes, all of which were wholly inappropriate for the age of the children in tow; and a seemingly never-ending round of "would you rather" questions, each dumber than the last. They dropped seemingly thousands of dollars on glowing plastic gew-gaws and never, ever did shut up, even during the show.
The fat family in front of us never stopped eating. The one girl was so under dressed that I saw more of her than I ever needed to. Since moving was not one of her talents, it wasn't just a flash, it was a freeze frame. Like a train wreck, I couldn't help but watch. This family had the audacity to make fun of other people for their looks and actions, to the point of taking pictures of them and openly mocking them, which prompted Em to ask me if I thought they knew what they looked like.
We were supremely annoyed. It was a long three hours. Two families bellied up to either side of us. at one point we caught eyes with one who were clearly over it, too. I just said "Three hours!" They told us we were hard core and being South Haven residents seemed apologetic. They were very nice and for the first time in hours, we felt like humanity wasn't doomed.
That's when the other family who was to the right of us all lit up their cigarettes. All of them. All at once. I got shitty at this point, because I am still struggling with my sinus event and smoke is not on the list of treatments. I found it rude and annoying and so outdated. Who smokes anymore?
The show started right on time and it was awesome. The last three hours of strain had melted away as we saw elements that were new to both Em and me. It was a half hour long, which for me is plenty. It ebbed and crested throughout, staying interesting. There were some volleys that were quite simply breathtaking. It was a great show.
We made it back to the car and out of South Haven without incident. We took the expressways home and made it in an hour. Half the time it took to get there. The car ran flawlessly.
I had a night cap and went to bed and slept soundly.
All in all, aside from the worrisome condition of decorum in American culture, it was a very nice day in the very nice city of South Haven. Have a happy Independence day, everyone! God Bless!
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