Regular reader and accidental acquaintance, Kelly Garland and I shared an exchange today on Facebook about the weather. Not so much about the weather so much as the 24 hour news cycle and the tendency of the news to do everything in its power to assure you that death is imminent, it will be painful, and you can only be saved if you watch their news program at five, five-thirty and six-because even though the news cares deeply about you and saving you from the thing that will surely kill you, it will not give you the whole story at one time.
My local news says it is "on my side", though you wouldn't know it by the way they mete out information like a reluctant pimp being shaken down a la a seventies cop show. By which I mean in little bits, only after you've paid dearly for it.
After getting the tease at five, you get the tease and the footage at five-thirty and the promise of an interview with someone close to the investigation six. So you wait and watch at six and there is some sketchy person with their faze fuzzed out saying they were quietly smoking their bong when the event unfolded and they are "shocked" and "can't believe it."
Give me a break. At five you tell me there is a polygamous serial murdering arsonist who will gain entry into my home posing as a gas company official at which time he will rape my pet force me to marry him and then will burn down my house. You tell me only you know the information pivotal to my safety and you are going to wait until six to tell me?? How is this being on my side? What if he is on my street right now? Maybe he is at my door! I am powerless against him! You haven't given me the tools I need! It's only five-forty-five!
And the weather! Every day, weather is out to get me. It's either too hot, too cold, too sunny, too much rain, el nino, la nina, hurricane, killer water spout, malevolent jet stream, pernicious sand storm or the greatest snow storm in a thousand years and it's all happening, right now! The forecast is replete with graphics and dramatic music and a very serious sounding man with an impressive bass voice telling me to hang the on, Sloopy the weather is coming. Now! If they could find a way to put in Bam! and Zow! and Wang! graphics on the screen and not make it too much like an old Batman show, they would.
Why does everything need to be so damn dramatic? Especially since if you were telling the truth you would at the very least include a disclaimer explaining that statistically, you couldn't predict sunset at noon.
Right now, the worst winter storm since ninetee-diggity-three is barreling down on us here in the midwest. That's right, cities like Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Minneapolis and Pittsburgh are expecting snow. In February. No shit? This is unprecedented! Run to the store and buy three weeks worth of food, it's gonna snow a lot! Seriously, we mean it this time! It's not like the snow contains tiny daggers, or is radioactive or heat seeking and pissed off that you kissed its sister. It's snow. It's winter. Get over it. If on February 1st you don't own a shovel and boots and a coat, you are in trouble, however I submit that if you are in this predicament, you probably don't own a t.v., either.
And why do people go crazy at the store? Do you expect every plow in your city to break or be swept away by some unforeseen force and thereby will starve to death in your own home? Don't you have neighbors? Do they like you? If it's that bad, we are all truly screwed. Buying every loaf of bread on the shelf isn't gonna put you in any better stead than the rest of us. Especially because I bought all the tuna! Even the stuff that says it's mostly dolphin and is packed in whale oil! Now who's laughing? I guess we're gonna have to work together here, partner.
So, as Kelly and I mused earlier, for those of us in the path of this great freight train of the angry killer storm that will surely end the world, throw another log on the fire, uncork a bottle of wine, don the snuggie crack open a book and relax. It's a snow storm. That is not news.
I need the wine stat. Not only was the store exactly as you described it, but people were mean. I felt like telling everyone, "Hey look, this is my normal day to shop. I'm getting politely out of your way, could you return the favor?" This is humanity. Mean and fighting over the last loaf of bread.
ReplyDeleteps: I didn't buy any more bread. We will surely die.
WE ALMOST DIED HERE IN CHICAGO! THE SNOW, THE SNOW! I'm just kidding. Obviously, we survived. We did lose our internet connection for a while and let me tell you that was NOT a pretty day in this household. We finally ventured out last night, only to see Patrick actually jump out of our car and run down the street after the Comcast repair guy when I pointed him out a few houses away. As if that was going to get our internet fixed any faster.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I read 3 books, knit 2 pairs of socks, drank too many bottles of wine and cups of coffee to mention, and snuggled in for a long winter's week. And you're absolutely right, it's freakin' February -- we expect this stuff.
Thanks for the shout out! Yay!