Oooh, What a Lucky Man

I have always considered myself a lucky man. I guess blessed if more proper a term considering my faith leanings, but luck is a concept understandable even by those not touched by a belief in God. So, we'll go with luck.

Just today, I got a phone call from one of the area codes I service professionally. I did not recognize the number, but it was the second time it had called me. There was no message left the first time, so I felt compelled to find out what was so important that this person needed to talk to me on the phone in person, rather than leaving me a message.

Me "Hello, Bill speaking..."

Guy On Phone (GOF) "Hello, Bill- I am Ted (or Red or Jed, I didn't really let the name register), with SoSo Fitness in Boondock, Michigan. How are you today?"

Me "Fine, uh...."
GOF "I'm calling because we are having a grand opening at our Boondock location and your number has been selected to receive 2 free unlimited one year memberships!"

I'm gonna stop here, because no kidding, this is the THIRD time in a year that SoSo Fitness has selected my number to win free memberships. Well, sometimes they say my friend put my name in and it was chosen, but same racket. My patience for these things is even less than my patience for Asian drivers, so I am already trying to get this guy off the phone. Back to the banter.

Me "Well, I see you're calling from the 555 area code. I have like, 10 phone numbers jetted through this phone. I don't even know them all. I am a regional manager, so while I do business in your area, I really am not there often enough to take this wonderful prize out of the hands of someone who is local and could actually use it."

I was trying to be so nice. I did all I could to not allow the anger, so readily available just below my veneer of humanity to come loose but he just didn't get it. This is where it should have ended, but Ned (or Fred or Rita or whatever its name was), just kept trying.

GOF "Well, with SoSo Fitness, you can work out anywhere you want in our facilities. That package would be just a nominal cost over the free membership you've already won!"

Me {Sarcastically enthused}"Wow, Andy... That sounds great, but business is really booming and I just don't think I have the time to take advantage of your benevolence and..."

GOF "What kind of work do you do, Bill?" Apparently we're now on a first name basis, my new best friend and I. Now. I'm. Pissed.

Me "Well, that's complicated. Up until late last year, I was the head salesperson for the Nazi Memorabilia division of my company... You know, reproduction uniforms, swastikas and iron crosses and reprinted propaganda and stuff..."

GOF "Like for museums?" Jim asked, still feigning interest and searching for an angle.

Me "I suppose, occasionally, but mostly it's for the personal market. There's a lot of call out there for Nazi glorification items... big market and we've got no competition so the phone keeps on ringing! You'd be surprised how much stuff you have to buy to fill a pole barn or meeting hall."

GOF {Very nervous now} "Um, but you don't do that anymore."

Me "No, it didn't gel with my Jewish upbringing. I always, I don't know, loathed it, or myself, I don't know. But for once, it was a Jew making a killing, so I guess in a way that served to help put things right between my people and the Nazis. I just wish grandpa made it out of Dachau to see my success."

GOF "Oh, my... my God. What do you do now?" Gotta admire his stick-toitive-ness.

Me "Now, oh, I am in marketing for our newest product... Little Angstie's home shoot-em-up kit. It helps children plan their attacks on schools, like whether to wait until lunch and release the thunder that way, or to hit classroom by classroom depending on the layout and the desired death-toll. It's really educational."

GOF "That's horrible! What kind of company would do that? I mean, how can you live with yourself?"

Me "Hey, pal, I gotta make a living like everyone else! Don't judge me. I didn't want to go into this division but the anabolic steroid division already had enough sales guys and I didn't want to go into finance... Say, maybe your company would be interested, we got all kinds of crap to shoot up and make you big. Really big. Like, Bane, big. Maybe I need to take a swing over there and show you what we've got and..." {Click}

I know the poor guy was just trying to do his job. Maybe the next call got him a sale. I guess I'll never know.