It Tolls for Me.

Ma Bell Won't Leave Me Alone

I have been working doubles all week in Detroit. Now, my job is normally spread over a long part of the day. I might be working at 6:00am and at 11:00pm, but I might not have to work all the hours in between. This week, because of a new project, I have been working from early in the morning, until early in the next morning pretty much without stopping. We are going in to day 4. I look like a raccoon and feel like shit, too.

I have a guy who works for me. No kidding, his last name is the same as a major leading feminine hygiene wash brand. Which is good because he is a deuchebag. One of his co-workers has legitimately been off for two days with the flu. He returns today. Well, Mr. LeDeuche always calls off sick if one of his coworkers was out the day before. ALWAYS.

So when the phone rang at 6:07 this morning after I called it a night at 2:00 after working a 17 hour day and Deuchey McDeuche was telling me he was on the bus but his back hurt and he "just couldn't do it today", I was not surprised. Enraged, yes, but not surprised.

Me "Deuche, just don't change light bulbs today. Stay on the ground and you'll be fine."

Deuche "No, man, I just can't do it today, man"

Me "Um, Deuche, you said you were on the bus... They have TVs on buses now, because I hear
a McDonald's commercial in the background?"

Deuche "No, man, the driver's got the radio on, man... Look man, I got to turn around I just can't
do it today... My back be hurtin'"

This is when I chose to terminate the conversation by hitting the end button on my phone rather than launch into the UNChristian, UNfiltered litany that was rising in my throat... the kind of words that lead to UNemployment.

I managed to get back to sleep, albeit a fitful one. Then at 8:00am a client called about something that could have waited until our already prearranged 2:00pm meeting.

Me {Groggy} "Hello, Bill speaking."

Client "Good morning it's that client you find extremely annoying... you sound tired."

Me "Well, extremely annoying client, I worked until all hours and my phone keeps ringing."

Client "Oh, well I was just calling this early because I don't respect you or your time and since I am at work and the sun, moon and stars revolve around me, I thought I would ask this really inane question that could have been e-mailed, or even waited until I saw you this afternoon."

Me "Yes"

My Week in Detroit

In its infinite and unassailable wisdom, my company has decided to decrease my presence in Detroit in order for me to focus on the business where I live, in the Grand Rapids area. Therefore I no longer have a corporate apartment and the expense it brings with it. I do still have to be here to service my accounts at regular intervals. I also have to be here for regular monthly meetings. These have the same topic as the monthly meetings I have to attend on the west side of the state, too. So each month, I drive 400 miles 8 hours of road time, just to hear the same thing, twice. I didn't give a shit the first time, and you think I'm going to sit quietly the second time? I wanna be sedated.

To do this, (decrease my presence in Detroit), they are giving me more business in Detroit. Don't think about it too hard, it will only hurt your head. I've already done all the pondering for you, so just move on. So this project I am working on is my new albatross. Medium sized projects like this always take about a week to get going. As an afterthought my boss asks where I am staying.

Me "I'm staying with Dave and Greg, but I am sure you presumed that because you are presumptuous and a jerk."

Boss "Oh, I didn't know if you needed a hotel. I'm glad you don't because we need to keep our expenses down for this start up."

Me "Well, I didn't say it was going to be free to stay with Dave and Greg. I am staying for the better part of a week."

Boss "You'll only need to be here three days... I need you back in Grand Rapids."

Me {Threatening look on my face} "If you need me in Grand Rapids, why am I in Detroit? If you need me in Detroit, why am I in Grand Rapids? And besides, I can't star up this project in three days! It will take all week!"

Boss "Nah, you'll have all sorts of help. I'll be there tonight."

Me {To myself} Great, that's exactly what I need... you standing around not saying anything, glancing at your watch every five minutes, not even bothering to take off your coat.

Me {Aloud} "I'm sure that will do the trick, but I am packed through Friday in anticipation of needing to stay."

Boss "Well, I need you back in Grand Rapids, so we'll make sure to get you out of here."

Flash forward 5 minutes.

Boss "Um, some stuff came up, a poker game or something, and we need to cut your trainers in half. So, I'm confident you can handle it, but I'll need you here all week. And maybe for the first part of next."

Me {To myself} I AM psychic!

Me {Aloud} "I'll send you the bill."

Towne/Gruley Inns and Suites of Ferndale
"Luxury Has A Name. That Name Is Towne/Gruley"

Luxury accommodation including continental breakfast
and nighttime snacking privileges (Cost per night) $79.00 X 4 $316.00

1/3/10
Bar- Jack Daniel's $5.95
Bar- Jack Daniel's $5.95
Bar- Double Jack Daniel's $8.50 $ 20.40

1/4/10
Bar- Jack Daniel's $5.95
Bar-Double Jack Daniel's $8.50
Bar- Double Jack Daniel's $8.50 $ 22.95

1/5/10
Bar- Double Jack Daniel's $8.50
Bar- Double Jack Daniel's $8.50
Bar- Double Jack Daniel's $8.50
Bar- Volume discount ($5.00) $25.50

1/6/10
Anticipated bar tab based on trend $75.00
Jack Daniel's restocking fee $55.00

Total room food and beverage $516.00
Parking (Daily Charge) $10.00 X5 $50.00
Total $566.00
Gratuity $500.00
Grand Total Net 15 Corporate account $1066.00

"Thank you for staying with us. We look forward to serving you again next week when your company pulls some more shit out their ass about not spending so much time in Detroit and you are here all week again."