On Parenthood

Amy and Adam had their baby this morning. I called it right on Friday night when we saw them. I called it right again Saturday when I told Em's Mom it would be within 48 hours, even though she was 2 weeks from her due date and this was her first. I told Adam it was a boy. It was.

I am the baby whisperer, apparently.

Chandra and Jason also announced their great expectation this weekend and we are of course all excited. We are excited because they are excited. It makes us happy to see people happy. This is what makes us good people.

And then there is us. That's right, the last childless couple we know. Literally. Well, literally at all; Em has an aunt and uncle that don't have kids. My sister doesn't have kids, Dave and Greg don't have kids, Doug and Elizabeth don't either. So I guess I should amend that to say we are the last married, heterosexual couple in our immediate circle who don't have kids. Literally.

I am sure now you are expecting some circumspection on how it's lonely out here and my life is incomplete and I have been a fool and I need to put a baby in my wife as soon as possible for I have seen the error of my ways.

Nope. Sorry.

All my friends who have kids are truly excellent parents. They are devoted to parenting. They plan their schedules around kids, they employ full scale logistical management techniques to make sure someone is at Johnny's play while someone else gets Suzy to the soccer game. They make sure the kids do their homework, the tell them they love them and the kids are happy and healthy and will grow into productive members of society who will save the world!

I hang around with some pretty awesome people! Amy and Adam and Chandra and Jason will no doubt carry on the tradition. They really want this.

Turns out, they're all better than me. I think I have sufficiently demonstrated my love for words. Have I told you my favorites? They are in no specific order; I, me and mine.

Goals begin with visions and visions start off as dreams. Dreams are unfiltered representations of your thoughts and desires (if you are a Jungian, anyway). The only dreams I have of kids playing in the yard usually end with me brandishing a shotgun and muttering something about "dern kids!"

I am really comfortable with this. I just wish other people would understand.

I feel badly for my parents that they will likely never be grandparents. Not that they have ever put the guilt on me, because they haven't. I still feel like I am depriving them. But that's a pretty piss poor reason to have a kid.Outside of that I wish people would stop thinking of me a irregular or selfish or petty or shallow or whatever missive they wish to apply to me. Live and let live. You do your thing, I'll do mine.

Besides, I'm pretty committed to your kids. I go to their plays and clap. I buy their cookies and candies and other sundry overpriced things that I don't need or want so they can go play their instrument in front of a crowd of adoring parents in another state. I go to their baseball games and swim meets and choir concerts and cheer them on as if they are my own. At graduation time, I give them money I can't afford to give and come up with some kind words of wisdom to send them off into the great wide world. And when they go there, I keep up with them and visit them make sure they know I am here for them... unless they need money.

In that sense, I have dozens of kids. I have graduated still dozens more! It's actually a pretty good system. It's just that none of them come home with me at night and I don't have to pay for college and/or bail. It's part-time parenting, and I am ideally suited to it. It would be unfair to be a part-time parent to my own kids, but it's pretty darn convenient to have me around if you have kids.

What have we learned today? Nothing, other than congratulations to my wonderful friends Amy and Adam on their new gift and to Chandra and Jason for the one on the way. I can't wait to help you raise your kids!