With All Apologies to Mr. Seinfeld
How come I never have to wait for the commercial to load when I go to watch something on the interwebs? Advertisements come through perfectly fluid, yet as soon as the time comes to actually watch the content I went to watch it gets all jagged and constantly buffers. I am trying to watch puppies on a slide! It doesn't have the same effect if it constantly stops and buffers.
Never once have I waited for a commercial to load. I'm just saying.
And what is it with these websites that without warning blast some sound effect that sounds for all the world like a guillotine blade falling to the background of a violent thunderstorm? Who designed this page, Jerry Brukheimer? The startling sound effect always gives way to an ad that you didn't load. Now you have to find the little 'skip' button that they have buried to get it to shut off.
Shhhhh! My wife is taking a nap and I don't need her to know I am looking at the 'Used Car Auto Mall' website again! I promised her I would stop!
This kind of thing only happens after I have had my speakers on full volume, trying to hear content on another page that was poorly recorded.
On an unrelated topic, I think small creatures- maybe Fraggles- are building whole communities in my mouth at night when I am trying to sleep. My gosh! I have not had dry mouth like this since... well, never mind. Suffice it to say, it's been a long while. It is like the Sahara in there. I bring a 16 ounce glass and a small pitcher of water to bed and if I drank it all like I want to, I'd be up all night drinking and peeing. What a hassle.
Which makes me wonder if gingivitis is actually, I don't know, sentient. Do they feel despair and agony when, after working so hard to build a place to live and work and good schools to send their kids to, another flood washes it all away.
What of the twice daily brushing? Is that like earthquakes to them? Spicy food a raging inferno? I wonder if mouthwash is their acid rain. You would think they would just stop rebuilding there and move into a redneck's mouth, or maybe someone from Britain. The food there is inoffensive and I hear there is only one dentist on the whole of the island. Sounds like a good place to live.
Speaking of dogs. Yesterday I was going out to hunt and gather us up some dinner when two familiar dogs came running up to me. They are both pit bulls, but friendly as the day is long. I asked how they got out of their fenced back yard and took them back to their yard three houses up.
I was in the car and pulling away when I realized... wrong dogs. Those dogs belong on the other street and I know them because we pass them on our daily walk. And I don't know if they are friendly or not, at least I didn't before now. a rare moment of good luck there old bean. So I sat in the car stupidly thinking about whether these dogs were those dogs or the other dogs. You can see how I might be confused.
I did the only thing I could think to do. I got my wife.
I paraded her over to the house where I may have wrongfully imprisoned the dogs.
"Are these, these dogs or the ones from the other street?"
"Read the tags! (you idiot was implied)"
If it had been that easy I would have done it myself, but they simply wouldn't sit still. There was no tag reading to be done.
I realized that these dogs were actually those dogs when these dogs began to bark from the house upon seeing those dogs in their back yard. Simple. So, I loosed those dogs and began corralling them up the street to bring them home. Imagine the surprise of the owner of the house upon finding two not her dogs in the yard. I imagine the not her dogs would be just as confused. Anyway, I had just gotten back from my walk, and now I was taking the last 1/3 of it again. Yippee!
Meanwhile, somewhere, my dinner was getting cold.
There was a young pedestrian with whom I had exchanged pleasantries before all this happened. And now he sees me with two loose pit bulls that are jumping and playing and only kinda following my pooches and claps and beseeches to follow me. A shepherd I am not. The younger and more adventurous male went tearing off toward this young man who might have wet himself. I hollered "It's ok- they won't hurt you" from my vantage point a full 50 years away. I said this as if I actually knew. The girl puppy stayed right by me, looking up occasionally as it to say... I told him it was time to go home.
Long story short, I managed to get her home. The other, the male of course, took off chasing cars down a busy rush hour street. I informed the owners, who were out back enjoying their afternoon marijuana cigarette, (I believe the kids call it a 'joint') as I rounded the corner with their dog.
I actually laughed in their mad dash to stash the stash and I said something to the effect of "It's cool, homey- I'm chill" but I think it came off way whiter and less genuine. I managed to not get shot. This is not the place to just wander into people's back yards. And I had on shades, a striped coat, striped pants and look for all the world like I could be a cop, especially in the paranoid mind.
They were surprised I had the dog!How they were in the yard where the dogs were supposed to be (but were not) and didn't know the dogs were gone is totally beyond me. Oh, right. The pot.
So that situation diffused, (they were very thankful by the way for my efforts as they were getting into the car to go chase the other dog), I went to get dinner. Long story short on that, they did away with their "pickup only" parking spaces and I had to park miles from the door. I should have just walked from the house.
That pretty much ends my tale of woe from the day.
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