The Luckiest Man on Earth... Ever

The (Pitch)Man Who Sold the World

Who would you consider to be the luckiest man on Earth living or dead? Would it be a lottery winner or a pop star of questionable talent who makes it big and is set for life? How about a Sheik or a Monarch, born into fortune and a life of ease? Maybe you think it's the high school quarterback who seemed to emerge from perfect genes, drove the perfect car had the perfect girl and threw the perfect ball. That's lucky in part, but it requires skill and practice, so as much as you'd like to, you can't chalk his station in life up to luck alone.

The luckiest person in the world would have to achieve all they have achieved through blind stinking sheer unadulterated luck. We would refer to this person as a "Lucky Son'bitch." I find that a curious title. Why is the moniker 'lucky' often followed by 'son of a bitch?' I for one feel lucky for not being a son of a bitch. I guess it's all relative. Maybe you think I'm lucky for getting pulled over when I was 19 years old going 100 in a 50 on my way to the bar after having a beer or two and getting off with a verbal warning upon the promise of buying my Mother a nice Christmas present. Maybe you'd think I am the luckiest person on Earth.

You'd be wrong. After much research and thought, I have come to the irrefutable conclusion that the luckiest man on Earth, alive or dead is... previously portly perennial popeilian pitchman Jared Fogle of Subway Ad fame.

This guy's only talent was being fat and getting less fat and getting a little more fat and then a little less fat again. He isn't attractive, talented or blessed, as far as I can tell, with anything resembling a personality. He has been a real live mascot for Subway for 12 years and has made millions, wrote and published a bestselling book and has tons (no pun intended) of fans!

Didn't famous people used to have to be attractive? I mean, at some point whatever God didn't give you money can buy. A few examples of this are Julia Roberts (who had many dental surgeries to cure her of horse mouth), Cher (who is more collagen and rayon than human), Ellen DeGeneres (who was never especially pretty when she was 30 but looks awesome at 53) and countless others.

Maybe it's different for men, which I suppose is an entirely different conversation altogether. It doesn't excuse the fact that Jared the penny pinching spendthrift hasn't even bought a new pair of glasses in years. Who still wears Buddy Hollys? Even Drew Carey finally gave that look up. With all that money you couldn't get lasik? Subway's vision plan doesn't include contacts? I'm not an attractive man, but Jared isn't even average. In fact, for a guy who never otherwise could have gotten laid, he actually had a real human wife for awhile. He divorced her and she now sucks at the Jared teat, which makes her likely the second luckiest person on Earth. He is soon to be married to Katie McLaughlin who I discovered after a short internet search, is hot. Actually, I am not sure which Katie McLaughlin is Jared's betrothed as there were many different pictures answering to that name. In this case, it doesn't matter. They were all hot. Must be something about the name. At any rate, this guy got a trade in! He was lucky to not get kicked off the bus in the first place and now he can have whatever kind of ride he wants! Time was when the only ugly people getting hot women were in The Rolling Stones.

Two years ago he gained 40 pounds and Subway didn't drop him. They just kept showing him standing behind his fat pants. Well, anyone can look good hiding behind a pair of 60" wasted clown pants. Subway gave Jared another chance and reasserted his 'Fresh Fit' ad campaign. Kirstie Alley, who was summarily dumped by Jenny Craig for having a slip was heard to remark "what the fuck?" or at least that's what they assume she said. It was hard to understand her through a mouthful of cake.

I have been eating Subway sandwiches multiple times per week for years and the only weight I've lost as a result is the cumulative total of the $5.00 bills that have left my wallet. I can't imagine I am not the only one who has tried and failed the Subway diet, but Jared Fogle, the man and the legend continues to endure. He just ran the New York City Marathon and finished. I guess that's cool and perhaps even laudable if you are in to that kind of thing. He probably went home and got a massage by his hot wife-to-be and counted his money.

Hey, Subway, I am unattractive, eat your food all the time, and will work for a fraction of what you are purportedly paying the paunchy pitchman. In fact, you could pay me in Five Dollar Foot-longs. At least that will defray the costs of eating at your restaurants. Of course, that could never happen to me. I used up my lifetime of luck on the S-curve in Grand Rapids Michigan on the day before Christmas Eve, 1994. By the way, Thank you, Officer Bowers, I learned my lesson. Just like I promised, I bought my Mom a nice present. Mom, now you know why you got a Hummel and a sterling silver cake service for Christmas that year instead of the "free hug" coupons you were expecting. I guess you got lucky, too.

And now you know, the rest of the story.