Gobblin.com

Gobblin.com is the most widely used online community whose sole purpose is finding you the perfect* job. Gobblin is committed to offering you the best online search service available. We do this by purchasing all other job search sites and conveniently making you jump through hoops by way of making you go to multiple sites and post your information over and over again to get the same non-germane results, but with a different font and user interface. All this is designed to frustrate and confound you, all the while distracting you from the ultimate result, which is that we make money by selling your information, placing ads in front of all relevant information every 3.5 seconds and occasionally, finding someone a job.

GOBBLIN.COM USER PROFILE QUESTIONNAIRE

Answer the following questions to the best of your ability to get the most accurate job returns possible:

1. What is the last level of education you completed?
Doctorate degree* ___
MasterS Degree ___
Bachelor's Degree ___
Associate's Degree ___
Some College ___
High School ___
Some High School ___
Alemintery Skool ___
I'm From Alabama ___
(*Note: Philosophy does not count)

2. Please check all certifications and qualifications that apply:
PhD* ___ RN ___ MD ___ PsyD ___ MBA ____ JD ____ DDS ____
LSD ___ HMO ___ OPP ___ DO ___ OD ____ ODD ____ DOD ____ DOO ____
(*Note: Sorry, Descartes, your parents burned all their equity and sold their 401k for nothing)

3. Have you ever been convicted of a crime (If yes, please list crime, conviction and a really
good excuse. Use supplementary form as needed)? Yes*___ No___
Excuse_____________________________________________________________
(*Note: A 'Yes' answer does not necessarily disqualify you from employment. In fact, it absolutely disqualifies you from employment.)

4. Please list the highest level of security clearance you have obtained

They Won't Even Let Me Fly ___ Secret ___ Top Secret ___ Super Spook ___
License To Kill ___ I Could Tell You, But Then I'd Have To Kill You ___

5. Answer the following statements Yes or No:

5a. I will work any hours you can give me and whore myself out for you all in the name of a modest paycheck and the promise that some day I will be rewarded Yes ___ No* ___
(*Note: A 'No' Answer on this question automatically and permanently places you on a database of unemployable people)

5b. I have already worked late nights in terrible jobs for no pay that have led me nowhere and I now feel I am entitled to ride a desk eight hours a day no weekends Yes* ___ No ___
(*Note: A 'Yes' Answer to this question automatically disqualifies you from employment opportunities on Gobblin.com)

5c. You are masturbating right now Yes ___


6. Are you willing to relocate? Yes* ___ No* ___
(*Note: There is no possible correct answer to this question, however you must choose an answer or your submission will not be accepted)

7. Write a 350 word essay on what makes you a better candidate than the next 200 people looking for a job not using the word 'the' or the letter 'A'. Any submissions using the word 'the' or any word with the letter 'A' will be reported to your high school English teacher to be publicly ridiculed in front of his/her current class and held up forever as an example of how not to write.
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

8. I authorize any and all potential employers and random hackers to google the hell out of my name and seek out all embarrassing photos, ex boyfriends/girlfriends, people with whom you dabbled in homosexual activity, status updates, tweets, relationship statuses, medical records, audio recordings of confessions to clergy, the contents of your teen diary/journal and blog posts pertaining to anything that could be construed as job dissatisfaction for the purposes of calling you in for an interview just to view the train wreck you are with no intention of hiring you. No, we do not validate parking. Yes ___ No* ___
(*Note: A 'No' answer will immediately visit a virus upon your computer and all the other computers to which it is connected via a network that will cause it explode violently the next time your mother logs on to her AOL account)

Congratulations, you're done! No, not done with the form, 'done' as in there is no chance in hell you are going to get a job, loser. But thanks for using Gobblin.com a proud subsidiary of Megalogloboindustrocon Industries Inc. We don't make you anything but miserable, but we are the best at it. TM