All the best addicts were incredibly talented and people could attribute their inspiration to drugs. Many of them never make it out alive, Belushi, Farley, Cobain, Kinison. but at least they leave a legacy as lasting as the very stars in the sky. I am glad some celebrities get clean and go on to live happy productive lives, but I am infinitely more happy that we have recordings from their pre-sobriety days. Old Fat Elton John is talented but nothing was as stunning as a coked up skinny Elton in full costume wailing at top volume running around the stage like a madman across the water. Robin Williams who is now just annoying was once so incredibly funny I thought I would crap my pants every time he opened his mouth. They may win, but the rest of us undeniably lose. Now though, people are living through their addictions with startling regularity.
So, you're a politician and you cheated on your wife with a male Asian prostitute and the story was picked up by a supermarket rag? Get thee to rehab! You were swimming at the bottom of a glass of Cristal when you were pulled over for killing 30 people when you jumped the sidewalk and hit the gas? Be ye Betty Ford bound! Got picked up snorting slice, slash, snuh or sprong in the room of a Spokane motor lodge with a Korean mafia kingpin? You poor thing, exit stage left, Dr. Drew is waiting.
Can you imagine trying this gambit as a defense out in the trailer park? "JoeBilly, you got to come with us, you hit TracyJean again all up in the mouth and she called you in." "Officer BobbyJohn, I got a problem, I need help, how's about a diversion program? I hear Passages Malibu is nice..." "Get your ass in the car, JoeBilly and bring your vaseline, big Ed is in the tank sleepin' it off... you know how randy he gets when he comes to."
If we keep attributing all this bad behavior to addiction we run the risk of giving an addiction a bad name! Leave addiction alone! Why can't bad behavior just be the result of being an idiot? Bill Cosby had a great line which went something like "Why do you snort cocaine?" "Well, it intensifies my personality." "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
I think we should go back to the times when addictions, like out of wedlock pregnancies were swept under the rug and never talked about, at least directly. The family historian can still regale us at holidays with stories of Uncle Edward the dentist as "not being right" or, "being sick" but never really mentioning he used to freebase the ground up teeth of his clients while gratifying himself to an episode of H.R. Puffinstuff. Let's put the intrigue back into addiction. Let's whisper in hushed tones and gossip like the preacher's wife. It turns fun into sad when every addict is rushing to confess their transgressions.
How are we supposed to revel in the shame and imperfection of a celebrity when they are crying out their mea culpas on the cover of People Magazine. The price of celebrity is being subject to the ridicule of your fans. It's why we love you! You may think it's because you are talented and hot, but at the end of the day it is us, the normals dangling the treat over your head shouting dance, monkey, dance! And for all your money, rock bottom isn't too far down so what is there to lose? I propose a two addiction minimum, or at least one addiction which includes a charge of manslaughter or above or no book deal for you!
It's like a tween pop star who writes their autobiography at 16. Admittedly, you have done and seen some cool stuff, but imagine how much better your book will be after you contract Hepatitis C after mainlining Draino with a filthy needle just because you "didn't know how to feel." Celebrities reading my blog, (I am sure there are many), if you are unsure how to act, call Tommy Lee, or the aforementioned Mr. Sheen the Younger. They'll steer you in the right direction.
So, you're a politician and you cheated on your wife with a male Asian prostitute and the story was picked up by a supermarket rag? Get thee to rehab! You were swimming at the bottom of a glass of Cristal when you were pulled over for killing 30 people when you jumped the sidewalk and hit the gas? Be ye Betty Ford bound! Got picked up snorting slice, slash, snuh or sprong in the room of a Spokane motor lodge with a Korean mafia kingpin? You poor thing, exit stage left, Dr. Drew is waiting.
Can you imagine trying this gambit as a defense out in the trailer park? "JoeBilly, you got to come with us, you hit TracyJean again all up in the mouth and she called you in." "Officer BobbyJohn, I got a problem, I need help, how's about a diversion program? I hear Passages Malibu is nice..." "Get your ass in the car, JoeBilly and bring your vaseline, big Ed is in the tank sleepin' it off... you know how randy he gets when he comes to."
If we keep attributing all this bad behavior to addiction we run the risk of giving an addiction a bad name! Leave addiction alone! Why can't bad behavior just be the result of being an idiot? Bill Cosby had a great line which went something like "Why do you snort cocaine?" "Well, it intensifies my personality." "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
I think we should go back to the times when addictions, like out of wedlock pregnancies were swept under the rug and never talked about, at least directly. The family historian can still regale us at holidays with stories of Uncle Edward the dentist as "not being right" or, "being sick" but never really mentioning he used to freebase the ground up teeth of his clients while gratifying himself to an episode of H.R. Puffinstuff. Let's put the intrigue back into addiction. Let's whisper in hushed tones and gossip like the preacher's wife. It turns fun into sad when every addict is rushing to confess their transgressions.
How are we supposed to revel in the shame and imperfection of a celebrity when they are crying out their mea culpas on the cover of People Magazine. The price of celebrity is being subject to the ridicule of your fans. It's why we love you! You may think it's because you are talented and hot, but at the end of the day it is us, the normals dangling the treat over your head shouting dance, monkey, dance! And for all your money, rock bottom isn't too far down so what is there to lose? I propose a two addiction minimum, or at least one addiction which includes a charge of manslaughter or above or no book deal for you!
It's like a tween pop star who writes their autobiography at 16. Admittedly, you have done and seen some cool stuff, but imagine how much better your book will be after you contract Hepatitis C after mainlining Draino with a filthy needle just because you "didn't know how to feel." Celebrities reading my blog, (I am sure there are many), if you are unsure how to act, call Tommy Lee, or the aforementioned Mr. Sheen the Younger. They'll steer you in the right direction.
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