You Have Reached...

I called the person who processes payroll today. I got her voice mail. One of my peeves is when a voice mail message says "You have reached so-and-so", because that's a bald faced lie! If I had reached so-and-so, I would be speaking to her and not listening to her canned voice.

Great, I had "reached" her. The rest of her message went like this. "At the tone, please leave a brief message and a number and I will call you back." So, I shouted "Potato!" followed equally as vehemently by, "Eight!". That's all. I feel as though I followed the instructions to the letter. I left a brief message and a number.

I wonder if she'll call me back. In fact, I am sure she will, because in a company of 1000 people, I am the only one who would do something like that. And she will appreciate it. She won't necessarily show me that she appreciates it, but someone in the office will tell me how she played it for everyone and they all laughed. Or, she'll save it, like other funny messages I have sent, to listen to at a later date when things aren't going so well.

My outgoing voice mail used to be long and elaborate. I spoke slowly, carefully, saying who I was, what my title was, how they could reach me, when I would reach them back what the lunch specials were, my horoscope for the day and a tip on dressing for success. It went on and on. I thought it professional.

The owner of the company left me a voice mail saying something to the effect of "Shorten that blankety-blank message... I forgot what I wanted halfway through it!" Good point. I eventually did change it, but I did so reluctantly. I reasoned that my long message would deter all but the most committed people from calling. "Oh, I should call Bill about that stupid unnecessary thing that he is powerless to control... Ugh, I forgot he has that long message. Forget it. I'll just call him when there's something more important going on."

Now it is brief, my outgoing message. Shakespeare said, and many scholars agree, Brevity is the soul of wit. Of course, most people who believe that adage likely think it applies to everybody but themselves. Have you ever heard an English Lit professor prattle on and on (apologies to you, Regina)? Where's your brevity now, Billy?

So now, because we are fixated on speed and efficiency, you don't get the "thank you for calling" or the "have a nice day." You get "You have reached the voice mail of Bill, Operations Manager. Leave a message, I'll get back with you when I can." It took you longer to read it than it did for you to hear it if you called me. It sounds brusque and ineffectual, but that is what plays in Peoria these days. At least it offers no pretense and cannot be confused with anything it is not. There is no reading between the lines when there aren't any to read between.

I used to work with a guy who was a spendthrift. He hadn't spent a dime without a long thought about it since the Carter Administration. He had an old two cassette answering machine. The outgoing message tape was likely the original. It had all the tonality and quality of an old-timey film strip. His voice recorded voice warbled and changed speed and pitch. When I had to call him, I would screw with him and talk all slow and low. "Hiiiiiiiiiii, Riiiiiiiich, Thhhhhiiiiisss isssss Bbbbiiiiilllll" and then I would speed up and raise the pitch of my voice "Iwascallingtoaskifyoucouldcometoworktomorrow!"

My hope of course was he would think his "Answering Service 2000 by Emerson" was on the blink and he would part with the $50.00 to go buy a machine with a chip, or just subscribe to the service through the phone company for a nominal fee. It didn't work. In my imagination, I was in his house, listening to the message... It sounded perfect, my vocal manipulations matching the flaws of the tape inch for inch. Drat.

Old people, who grew up before machines are hilarious. It is clear they are not comfortable with the whole concept. My Dad speaks into his machine like everyone who calls had suffered a debilitating closed head injury. The best part is the "have a nice day" at the end which sounds as sincere as pillow talk on prom night. It makes me want to reflexively respond, "Oh,yeah? You have a nice day too, pal!"

Then there's the Steven Hawking outgoing message so popular today. I hate that robotic monotone that only says "please leave a message after the tone." Yeah, but who is this? It is unnerving if you are calling someone for the first time. What if you misdialed? I need assurances here, people! I need the message to say, "It's o.k., newby... you got the guy you want."

I had one guy who is not known for his social graces whose message said exactly this: "You have reached the number you've dialed, please leave me a message." No kidding? What are you, Ernestine from Laugh-In? He is from Barbados, so his Caribbean so his accent makes it even more improbable sounding like you called the guy from the Bacardi commercials and he's screwing with you.

About the only thing worse than getting someone's voice mail is actually getting someone. I can't tell you how many times I call someone at a strategic hour, knowing I will get that recording. I will leave my information and hang up, happy I avoided the real-time interaction. It is such a terrible disappointment when they actually pick up.

This goes both ways, though. People have called me and I pick up and they sound crestfallen... "Oh, I thought I would just leave a voice mail." Well, sorry. I picked up. Now since I know you don't want to talk to me, get on with it!

My wife calls me while I am in important meetings and sales presentations. Happens pretty much every time. I go to great pains to let her know when I am in said meetings, and there it is... buzz buzz. "I just was leaving a voice mail!" Yes, but I am trying to sound impressive while my pocket is vibrating and it is a distraction. Usually, she is calling to tell me of the gigantic poisonous spider she just slew in the bathroom, or ask me whether I want okra or zucchini from the store, or some other little tidbit that could wait, like forever.

I kid. It is nice to hear from people. My parents never call me and when they do the first thing out of their mouth is "Everything's ok." This is another way of saying nobody's dead. It is rare I get a social call from them. The big excuse being they don't know when I'm working and what my schedule is. Yes, but I have a cell phone that is on 24/7 and a voice mail box that efficiently asks you to leave a message. "Hi Bill, it's Mom. Everything's ok..."

Sometimes when we do talk, we play the "remember Uncle Howard's third wife's cousin's roommate you sat next to at the black jack table that one time and didn't know it? Well, she's dead", game. My Mother never says "remember so and so" unless they are dead. And she gets pissed when in the middle of her long explanation of how I met this person once when I was four while coming out of anesthesia and I just bust in with "How'd he die?" How did I know?

Some news you don't leave on voice mail. Break ups, News of birth and death, funny stories, the winning Keno numbers, long and drawn out technical details. Those are best left to text messages and facebook posts.
You should leave a brief message. Why have the discussion with the people again after you sat through their 3 act message? When people detail me to death on voice mail, I call them back and without any salutation I just launch into the answers of their recorded diatribe, in order. Show them what it feels like.

In short, the best inventions of humanity also become its biggest blights. Strip malls, housing projects, mass transit systems, cell phones and voice mail. I didn't even get into the hell of trying to reach a real person at the utility company, or anywhere else for that matter. Call the doctor and the auto nurse is like "If you suffer from vertigo hold on to something and dial 1, if you have spastic colon, please sit down and press 2, if you have embarrassing rash in a place where your roommate won't look at it, use a pencil and press 3, if you are having a bad day, mash the keyboard with your hand, or throw the receiver across the room and you will be connected with the psych ward, If listening to this message has caused you to have a stroke, please hang up and dial 9-1-1.