What's In A (Nick) Name?

My friends and I seem to have a penchant for referring to people by nickname. These nicknames have been bestowed upon them, by us, surreptitiously and pejoratively. They have no idea we have given them nicknames.

Some examples I can share that won't make my Mother blush are:

Hairy Scary (Scary Hairy/Hairum Scarum) Neecy
Mamma Poopy (ok, that's a cat)
Big Colon
The Johnfather Drinky McPukesalot
Opie T Mc R
Gingifer Dink


I confess, I always wanted a nickname. A cool one. I was never given a cool one, and you can't give one to yourself. That kind of self-aggrandizement usually begets a mean nickname, like the ones I tend to give people. My name never lent itself to being shortened, or changed in such a way that was evocative and cool. The closest I have come is Youbee (which is spelled inexplicably UBE), which is what many of my coworkers call me. I'll accept it, but it isn't the best case scenario.

I envy the "Sullys", the"Micks", the "Irish" the "Skis" and the "Smittys". These are names that are inherently cool. Why would you want to go through life as John Smith when you could be "Smitty"? Who will remember the hero pilot we know as "Sully" is named Chesley Sullenberger? Chesley? This guy is my hero and if I knew him as Chesley in school, I'd have given him a swirly. Come to think of it, he could have gone as "Chess" which in an of itself is cool, too. Some people are destined for greatness.

I don't watch Jersey Shore. I don't think I ever will, but hand on heart, "The Situation" is about the greatest nickname ever. This guy pulled down $5 million last year and I think it is due in large part to his nickname. It is cool beyond explanation. Mysterious and meaningful, simple and unique. It has everything a nickname needs.

"The King of..." and "The Queen of..." also make the cut, but none sound quite so menacing as "Godfather..." Elvis rocked as the "King of Pop", but James Brown is still sizzling from the grave as the "Godfather of Soul". Other great nicknames include

Of course, Mob nicknames aside from Godfather (which really in that case is more a title don't you think?) are the baddest. Knuckles, The Nose, The Fish, The Turk, The Gun, The Mook, Ice Pick, Scarface, The Jew. And they go on endlessly, like this very post!

Come to think of it, lots of royal sounding things make good nicknames. Former Congressman (and current convict as if those two aren't precisely the same thing) Randall Cunningham sure is cooler when you refer to him as "Duke", his Vietnam flying call sign. Which brings us to "Maverick" and "Goose" and "Iceman" and "Slider" and "Jester", all names that made Top Gun a great movie in spite of terrible acting, horrible continuity issues, wooden dialogue and a sappy plot that could only have been conceived by Jerry Bruckheimer.

A person can make a name cool. John Wayne is a cool name only because of the person who owned it. Any other guy named John Wayne is probably an accountant or an actuary or something like that. So John Wayne is cool because of his persona, but call him "The Duke" watch him careen over the edge of cool and put him right in the meat locker. Yep. "The Duke" as a nickname is ice cold.

GM tried to make a four cylinder engine sound cool when they put it into their cars in 1982. It came to be known as the "Iron Duke", or by those who owned a car so equipped, the "Iron Dump".

Further bolstering my argument, (as if I hadn't beaten it into the ground already), are the examples of Prince (the Purple One), Queen Lahtifa, Nat 'King' Cole and countless other musical examples which will rush into my head the moment I hit the publish button on this blentry.

Mel Torme was "The Velvet Fog", Sinatra was "The Voice", Willy Nelson "The Red Headed Stranger" and Johnny Cash "The Man in Black". When we do something good, our friends will say "You're The Man!" 'The' is a simple word that seems to be of seminal importance in a good nom-du-nick. It adds credence and weight to a name as if to say THE one and only. You have transcended every other of your ilk. Congratulations... here is your nickname.

People seem to think that Madonna is a nickname. Nope, she was born and baptized Madonna Ciccone. The aforementioned Elvis went by the name his mama gave him, too.

We revere strong politicians such as "The Gipper" and "The Governator". For eight years, the mere letter 'W' took on a wide variety meanings depending on who you are. We honor politicians with nicknames that are more like plaques of honor. "The Gipper" was also "The Great Communicator". How cool do you have to be to have two nicknames?

I don't really know where I am going with all this, except to say that for Christmas, maybe you could all get together (again I assume more than one person is reading this) and get me a cool nickname. One that makes it to my Obituary. You see that all the time... Norbert "Bud" Altman aged 89 met his Lord and Savior Friday...