We went camping this weekend in Pentwater at Lake Michigan Camp, one of many hundreds of thousands of camps the United Methodist Church in West Michigan alone. The Methodists have more camps than the Catholics have cathedrals and alcoholics. Combined.
The town of Ocean Grove where we lived in New Jersey for awhile was a camp meeting town... a place to get away from the city and breath some ocean air while singing music. Just bring a dish to pass and you are in. Seems Methodism was founded upon the tenets of sleeping in tents, (and since "we" tend toward the upper end of the socioeconomic scale, RVs), singing hymns and eating casseroles. It's really a pretty good religion. Hang out on the beach and watch the sunset before spending the dusk and early dark in front of a campfire eating s'mores.
This was my first time camping as a Methodist. I used to camp as a young adult. There were more intoxicants and bigger fires, but essentially it is all the same. That doesn't count unless you camp at a Methodist as a Methodist. I was initiated as a Methodist years ago, but you can't really be a Methodist until and unless you camp. It's somewhere in the red hymnal.
The church's official motto is "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors", which pretty much means come as you are. And I have seen this in practice so it's more than just a slogan. Regardless, people have regarded me with suspicion upon finding out I have never camped. That's all fixed. I Methodist camped, and liked it in a Methodist manner. I plan to go again Methodistly. It was a valuable trip, too since I learned a lot about how things go in the church which I will now share.
Methodists are the kindest people in the world. It's actually borderline annoying. We already explored the official slogan, but the unofficial slogan is "No, you first."
Pursuant to the real slogan, anyone can hold any position in the church. Women, minorities, gay people - Bishops and leaders and preachers, all. But, only men cook breakfast. Do not even enter the kitchen if you have a second X chromosome. The open doors thing is suspended when it comes to breakfast.
Once in the kitchen, the conversation turns to how many years you have been coming to camp. Not any camp, this camp. This is a subtle way of reminding everyone of the pecking order. It's almost like if in the wild, alpha males established dominance by playing chess in the park over tea. There is no weeping or gnashing of teeth, just a sense of resignation and understanding that it is what it is. In this case, being that worst kind of bottom feeding critter on earth, (a newbie), I was the melon cutter, the table mover, the chair setter-upper and the butter plate putter-outer. I will be 50 before I touch the grill.
The Methodists are brilliant at cooking for 100 people. There is something about quantity that brings out the best in Methodists. It's all about numbers and amounts. If your pants aren't tighter by the end of a meal, someone failed. There is no "No, thank you, I'm not hungry" to the Methodists. Read the earlier statement about me eating a s'more. I don't care for them especially. I ate it anyway.
Topics of conversation at meal time run the gamut all the way from "Kids these days...", to "when I was a kid". Occasionally there is a "You would never catch me wearing that..." which is more an indictment on the parents of the subject of the scorn... even if he or she is in their 30's.
Methodists don't take a public political stand, mostly because they are all over the map. It is an "agree to disagree, agreeably" situation. I heard one man guffaw at a joke deriding one side of the political spectrum, and the next day laugh equally as heartily at a joke filled with consternation about the other. Now it's possible that both were worthy of his laughter, but at least one of those jokes made him a little uncomfortable. He didn't show it.
It's O.K. to talk about "adult subjects", it's just not O.K. to do them. For instance, several of us there were avowed fans of brown liquors and classy, expensive cigars. Fine that we spoke of these things around the camp fire, however were any or all of us to tipple and smoke in the real we could face excommunication; which to the Methodists means you would be treated rudely by your wife and demoted to dish duty after breakfast.
It is also O.K. to speak in entendre. "Nice mellons," I said to Gene as he carried the mellons. "Nice Jugs," I said to Brent as he carried the milk and OJ to the dining hall. Laughs all around (probably polite since they are both essentially the same joke and not especially funny). However, bring that into the real world and openly admire the shape of a woman and you will do dishes. For years.
So there you have it. Methodists love to camp, are kind to a fault, generous, social, love to eat, have no opinions, laugh at everything and pay for sins by washing dishes. Well, that's not true exactly, but if you were an alien come to earth to research culture and you were dropped in the middle of Methodist camp you might think it was.
A word to the wise for that alien. Make sure your shorts hit the knee... you wouldn't want us talking quietly about what not to wear over dinner while looking furtively in your direction.
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