Traffic and Weather Together

Local Traffic on the Eights

I am listening online to my favorite syndicated morning program, but instead of listening to it on the radio, I am streaming it online from its source station in Indianapolis. I am somewhat familiar with Indy, having been there a lot due to my wife being from the area. This morning's observation however made me laugh, as the traffic reports are clearly geared to the locals.

"We got a pileup on the south salad shooter coming into the west slipknot, avoid the area by taking the yellow submarine bypass or the southern cross northbound to the westbound eastern sun expressway.
"Over on the west side we have a breakdown in the left middle express lane of the loop and traffic is backed up all the way to parkway bridge overpass.
"If you are traveling from the east side northbound, you may as well just turn around and go home. traffic is stopped dead on the blue line due to some police activity at stubby's farm."

Huh? None of those are street names or places that my GPS recognizes. I typed in Yellow Submarine and it suggested the iTunes store! Salad shooter? That's an appliance and an ill begotten one at that. How in the hell am I supposed to know what is where? And they talk so fast that I can't even process the beginning of the report before they are already talking weather... which is similarly nebulous.

"We got a cold front here over the whole region. Today 18 with a chill of 4 coming on to 22 with moderated gales in the mid day settling back down to a cold 3 becoming cloudy with a chance for the white stuff by daybreak."

The white stuff? How much white stuff, an inch, a kilo? I mean the guy is talking so fast I can imagine doing coke is a prerequisite for the job, but can you be a little more clear? You just threw out a bunch of numbers and some general possibilities. This is not a forecast. You may as well have said, "It's cold, and will be for 4 months."

Dateline Vatican City

The Vatican has announced it is adding solar panels to many of its buildings that will provide most of the electricity used by the world's least populated sovereign nation. Proving that even though the Catholic leadership hasn't seen the light, they have no problems harnessing it's power.

The leadership of the church decided on solar power after talks with Beelzebub Energy and Torture (NYSE Symbol HELL) broke down over the costs of running a geothermal line to Hades.
The business community was shocked by the development, since Hell and the Vatican have had so many profitable partnerships over the years.

In spite of the failure, the Vatican is confident it can restore relations with Satin, the CEO of Beelzebub Energy, or at least with his Earthbound emissary, Ryan Secrest, whose busy shooting schedule is apparently slowing down the pace of negotiations.

"The Vatican is interested in tapping renewable resources for its operations," Said Cardinal Olio Pedaphillo, "We are happy to use the light of God's Sun, free of charge." A representative of Beelzebub Energy and Torture and Satan's minion, Groff The Terrible was asked if he thought a deal was possible, he replied, "We are so far apart on money, I think Hell will freeze before we come together on a deal."