Dateline Prague:
The United Association of Astronomers(UAoA) is expected to adopt a definition of "Planet" today that will exclude Pluto. The reasoning is that if we accept Pluto as a planet, there are 24 or more celestial bodies in the Kuiper Belt (a field of flotsam and ice at the outer edges of the solar system in its own loosely organized orbit) that would have to be considered planets. American Children have been deemed too stupid to memorize all those names if they were to become planets, thus the exclusion of Pluto is considered a more appropriate action.
Educators are concerned about mnemonic device will children use to learn the remaining eight planets of our solar system? "They're gonna have to hire the ad agency who does those Emerald Nuts commercials to come up with something," says Bill Ovgoods, of the American Federation of Teachers, "If it isn't in the answer book, how are we expected to know what to teach?"
The Mnemonic Organizers Including Series Taxonomies, (MOIST), is now working to develop a mnemonic for an eight planet solar system. According to MOIST spokesperson Tess Tickle, “We just can't come up with a suitable device with a "J" word. One taxonomist has already been committed and several marriages are on the brink of collapse. MOIST takes the position that Jupiter’s name be changed as well, since we’re making all sorts of changes, thus a suitable mnemonic device can be used.”
Following on the heels of the report, the United Roman Catholic Religious Authoritative Zealot Youth(URCRAZY), is reinterpreting the Bible to show that Earth is the only "planet" because it was deemed such by God, and that all other "sky orbs" in the known universe should be viewed as cautionary tales of what could happen to us if we continue teaching sex education in schools and using condoms.
Further reasoning for elimination of Pluto from the list of planets is the likelihood that naming of the other 24 dwarf planets would likely be corporate sponsored. After all, muses Dick Cox of the International Coalition Of Inter-planetary Tourism, Use and Statistics (ICOITUS)"…Nobody wants planets being bought and named by corporations, but you know it wouldn’t be long before we had Zoxorb 3, brought to you by Gatorade....interplanetary hydration for today's active couch potato. Or Planet Shambala, brought to you by Gillette Mach 5. Even at mach 5 it would take a billion years to get there, so stay at home and shave with our ridiculously expensive razor that's marginally better than the one before it, but still not as good as grandpa's straight razor. We need to ask ourselves if we really want to be the Laughlin, Nevada of the galaxy.”
And what of all the poor nerds sitting at home, inhalers in hand, in front of their computers, reading breathlessly for the first time their award-winning second-grade dioramas are out of date? "You're ignorant, kids don't make dioramas anymore...they make computer models and power-point presentations. Hell the average welfare family in America has more computational power in their remote control devices than was used put John Glenn into space- the first time, not the second time when he was tapped to find out how liver spots react in zero G. " Says Harry Balszac an official for Students Using Computers for Knowledge (SUCK). "Seriously, does it matter?" he continues, "To most kids, Pluto is Mickey Mouse's dog, and that says it all right there. How goddamn dumb is the concept of a mouse having a pet dog? Dogs eat their own poop...do you think for one second they wouldn't eat the hell out of a talking mouse?"
Compiled By Staff Writers for Astronomical Service Section of the Wire International Press Editors (ASSWIPE)
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