Monday Morning Miscellany

The Voices in My Head

Reflect and ponder. This is the two word phrase that was breathing in my ear when I awoke this morning. Reflect and ponder. I don't know what it is supposed to mean, or rather upon what am I to reflect and about that which am I to ponder, but it continues to rattle around inside my brain. I did not put it there myself. I can tell.

In movies, sometimes messages are conveyed by some sort of supernatural means, or a shadowy figure in the most cryptic of ways. "If you build it, they will come" comes to mind from Field of Dreams. I find myself as an audience member saying to myself and usually others... "Why don't they just come out with it? This movie could be 15 minutes long! It would be so much easier if the voice just dropped some blueprints and said, 'dude, some really cool stuff is going to happen, I promise.'"

The older I get the more I realize that many of life's messages are indeed cryptic and a casual observer is likely to run right over the little voices that speak so softly into your ear giving you guidance. So, I don't know what I am to reflect on and ponder about, but one thing is for sure, I'm smart enough to know I had better set aside some time today to do it or I may find myself being sorry later.

Home Field Advantage

I listen to a syndicated radio program many mornings that primarily features comedians and short comedy bits. While I devote much of my day to news talk and other more intellectual pursuits, I do enjoy waking up with a laugh. Among the many running jokes and call back lines is "home field advantage." This can refer to a lot of things, but in most cases it is the preference to use ones own toilet, particularly when you need to poop. In my case, I use it more generally.

We just spent a long weekend in Detroit and stayed, as ever, with our patient and accommodating friends, Dave and Greg. We always have a great time and this weekend was no exception being that it was filled with parties that included all kinds of high quality brown liquor and much good food. But all that said, it is nice to be back home. I quickly found my own ass groove in my own chair, my had was pleased to be reunited with my own remote control, whose buttons I know so intimately just by feel and I slept like a rock in my own bed with my own cat hogging all the covers and snoring in my ear.

The Detroit area is like a second home to me. Often, I feel like I am leaving home and heading home in the same trip. I f guess that's pretty lucky. It isn't too often that someone can claim multiple places as having the feeling of home. But there is really only one, and that is here, in our old creaky house on our pretty street in our cute neighborhood of our nice city.

Jokes About My Spelling and Grammar

I would like to take this time to remind my dear reader that I don't proofread or edit this blog prior to publishing it. If I catch it, I fix it, but I don't spend gobs of time critically analyzing my own work. Most of the time I am writing this prior to or while I am drinking my first cup of coffee. So last week, I clearly meant Satan, not Satin is the ruler of the underworld despite my indication to the contrary. But man did everyone have a good time at my expense about that one. Dave said he didn't know the devil was a stripper and it all went blurry from there. It was pretty funny. Thank you for biding my mistakes and I hope it doesn't reflect negatively on me.

Why I am a Bad Speller

In fifth grade at Brookwood Elementary in Mrs. Hasselbring's classroom, I was in a spelling bee. I was doing well. If I made it into the next round, I would go to the finals and have a chance at the state level. I was next to Andy Haight who was a fun guy, but not a good influence. No, the names have not been changed to protect anyone, he was a little devil and everyone deserves to know.

I liked Andy. Anyway, we were sitting next to each other and we were likely bored. I had to wear a headgear due to my narwhal like mouth of teeth that extended out in all odd directions and an overbite the size of a... well a big overbite. I elected to wear it as close to 24/7 so I could wear it for a shorter period of time which meant wearing it at school and sleepovers and everywhere but for meals.

It was a complicated device that encircled my entire head, had plastic straps that came down my temples which culminated into a metal bar that ran parallel to my mouth and clipped into the world's largest and smelliest retainer. Many years later, while performing monologues in an acting class, I chose Harrison Bergeron because I identified with a character who was so much more powerful and talented than everyone else he had to be shackled and beset with limitations so he could be normal like everyone else. Some people grow up with a God complex, or and Oedipal complex... I grew up with a Howard Roarke complex. For the three of you who get that, you may feel free to chuckle quietly to yourselves in a dignified and understated manner.

Anyway, it got to be that Andy dared me to stick the metal bar of the headgear into the light socket and I did so without even the slightest hesitation.

After the school was dismissed early due to a power failure, I was asked what happened. I came up with what for a ten-year-old was a plausible excuse and the matter quietly dropped. My father refused to pay good money for a new metal bar and salvaged the burnt one and made me wear it. It was my scarlet letter. A constant reminder to myself and others that you shouldn't do stupid things. I never could have imagined that I could look less cool and more like a geek than with that headgear. My dad proved me wrong.

Anyway, upon the bee being reconvened, with me being watched like a hawk for any metal items, it was my turn. I was asked to spell the word, 'Senior.' Which I did, without hesitation saying confidently "C-E-N-I-E-R, senior." After the laughter died down, which was somewhere around my eighth grade year, I realized that I got more than a little jolt from my electrical escapade and it very likely had the greatest effect on the faculty that I was employing at the time... Spelling.

I haven't been able to spell well since. That story is the gospel truth. I don't know if that is what I am supposed to reflect on and ponder, or if I am simply the messenger and you all are supposed to reflect and ponder. If I were you, I'd do it, if only to hedge my bets.