The Bill's Club Roast of 2010

Welcome one and all to the Bill's Club Roast of 2010! Thank you for coming. It really has been a great year... if you're an insult comic. Jeez, 2010 had more negativity than an al Queda family reunion. Kurt Cobain sent a letter from Hell that said "See, I told you so..." 2010 is the only year where people sent post cards with pictures of the 2012 apocalypse that said "Wish you were here..."

Speaking of 2012, what an attention whore. We get it we're all gonna die because some ancient calendar stops and there was a prophecy of doom, but did there really need to be a movie? What if the special effects in the movie make the real end of days seem all fake and sucky? Way to ruin it for us, Hollywood.

Hollywood did us no favors this year. Have you seen The Tourist? Neither has anyone else. And Been Stiller snuck in just in time with another 'Fokkers' movie, proving you can take a bad joke and make a movie out of it. And then another and then wait a little while everyone forgets how bad those were and then put out a third. Jerry and Anne should have flushed him when they were trampin' on Vaudeville.

Lots of celebrities died in 2010. Lucky bastards. Corey Haim started if off by doing his best impression of Heath Ledger and it all went up hill from there. We lost many talented people, too. Leslie Neilsen, Barbara Billingsly, and Peter Graves all kicked it, blocking any hope for an Airplane sequel. Art Linkletter, Dino DiLaurentiis, Eddie Fisher, Tony Curtis, (who I once flipped off), Dennis Hopper, Dixie Carter, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, John Foresythe, Tom Bosley, Merlin Olsen, Lena Horne, Fess Parker! TV Land just cut it's royalty payments in half! Wilfred Brimley did not die in 2010... He actually died in 1987 it's just that no one told him.
Comedians Greg Giraldo and Robert Schimmel who I loved, died. Schimmel after a brave battle with cancer, Giraldo after a brave night with vodka and pills. All of these people were lucky enough to check out this year...

But, first among equals was the tragic and sudden death of the greatest actor of all time, Gary Coleman. His talent was ripped from us too soon. Tragic the quality work we will never see. Tragic the insight and brilliance he brought to life. Tragic in so many ways. He never did find out what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

The Dif'rent Strokes reunion party gets smaller every year. Do you suppose Conrad Bane and Tood Bridges even bother anymore? That would be awkward, Conrad roaming the streets and alleys looking for Todd... "Todd, it's me, Conr... Mr. Drummond! Time to go to Waffle House!"

We finally got a handle on H1N1 in 2010, but there is no known vaccine for Bieber Fever. When does this finally get too creepy? This kid is 17, he looks and acts 4 and even moms are going all cougar over this kid. The whole thing reeks of mass market pedophilia to me.

Oprah and Larry King retired which was good, but both of them have been on TV more since they quit, which is bad. Larry King got his annual divorce as well. This one was free as his punch card already had 9 punches! He is free to pursue the 11th Mrs. King. What lucky lady wants to step up? Maybe Nancy Reagan is ready to move on? Hoooooo... That's a visual, huh?

TV gave us some pretty good shows this year and some not so good shows. Detroit 187 was a failure... The actors kept getting mistaken for real cops and shot dead at the craft service table. And talk about bad dialogue! Why would they ask some California keyboard jockey to write dialogue for mid western cops? It doesn't make sense! It is cool seeing some of the places we are all familiar with on TV. Like the crack house you pass every day going to work, or the bombed out train station. Feels like home.

Oh 2010, we are not going to miss you. We are broker, have less freedom, less opportunity, pay more for less, have lost our preeminence in the world and we will never get it back. Now I know what it was like to live in Rome during the time of Nero. It may not be the end of the world, but it is the end of the world as we know it.

So, let's all have some wine, pick up our fiddles and party like it's 1999, because 2011 brings us one year closer to the end. Rack up your Visa card, live like you were dying, covet your neighbor, drive too fast, buy that Justin Bieber album! Strap yourself in, 2011... it's gonna be a bumpy ride!