On Birthdays

December, 2nd is my Dad's birthday. Happy birthday, Dad. Dad never makes a big deal out of his birthday, I get my not making a big deal of birthdays from him. It is just another day. It's nice to say happy birthday to someone, but I never understood how some people like to treat their birthdays like a national holiday. It's sorta like saying 'me, me, me, me, memememememe, me and me.' I have never been especially comfortable with that level of self-aggrandizement. (This of course why I put what amounts to my personal journal online and announce each new blentry for all the world to see, but that's neither here nor there. And what are you anyway, a shrink?)

My wife's birthday is close to Christmas and so as not to get consumed by Christmas, her Mom made a big deal of her birthday, a tradition which I have proven to be not so good at carrying on. I am afraid I have disappointed my wife pretty much every birthday for the 12 birthdays I have known her. Well, maybe not all of them...

She threw me a wild 30th surprise party celebrity gala extravaganza. And it stayed a secret, too, pretty much up to the last minute when I caught a whiff of something I didn't quite understand. It's a funny story of how I actually came to know, but that is a different blentry. What's important here is I walked in to dozens of friends and family, 3 video cameras, Ryan Secrest working the crowd and people I hadn't seen in a long time. Talk about a grand gesture that took months of preparations, subterfuge and cunning. She really outdid herself.

Overwhelmed in the moment, I told Em that for her 30th, I would take her on a Mediterranean cruise. And it was caught on camera. 3 cameras, actually from 3 angles and somehow, amid all the noise and hubbub of the party, for some ,everyone there heard me say it. There was no way around it. I was on the hook. Planning began almost immediately that night.

So we took the cruise and it was the time of our lives. I am pretty sure that birthday didn't disappoint her. But where do I go from there being on the modest side of modest means? I am still paying off the first cruise. How on earth am I able to put forth some other grand gesture? Maybe when she's 35 things with money will be different and I will be able to whisk her away on another vacation.

Or maybe I should think smaller. I have a tendency to roll over all sorts of pretty flowers trying to make it to the big tree in the middle of the field. I am about as subtle as a chainsaw and about as smart as a Ritz cracker when it comes to the fine art of understanding the people closest to me. Perhaps some small but intimate gesture filled with meaning would do the trick. Nah. My wife likes grandiosity. Hopefully one grand gesture every five years or so will be enough to keep her love bucket full.

We went to Vegas to surprise my Mom for her 65th birthday. We showed up at the door and when she answered it, I impassively asked if she had accepted Jesus Christ as her personal savior. She was on the phone at the time and for a brief moment she just stood there in utter disbelief, like she had left her own body. It was fun to watch and fun to be a part of. I suppose it was meaningful for her that we would trek 2,500 miles for a short visit for her big birthday. We did not do the same for my Dad 10 months later when he would turn 65. Not because we don't love my Dad, but it would have seemed hackneyed at that point, and we would have heard about how we shouldn't have made such a big deal and spent the money and yada yada yada.

My Dad gives me a present every year for his birthday by not making it something I dread. He has always been generous that way in his willingness to not be the center of attention and let other people have their fun. I don't suppose my Dad ever chooses where they will be having dinner or even necessarily with whom. But he comes and participates and helps make the experience enjoyable and moves the conversation along. I hope he likes the phone calls and the little gifts he gets and that he isn't secretly filled with vitriol and bitter disappointment every December 2nd. I hope he knows he is loved and thought of on his day. I hope he knows he is loved and thought of every day.

Therein lies the rub for me with respect to gigantic birthdays. Shouldn't we be making our loved ones feel special more often than once a year on their birthdays, or when Valentine's Day, or Sweetest Day roll around? How about carrying the spirit of Christmas and giving with you all the year through? I guess maybe because if we had to endure the bell ringers all year long at the mall we would all go mad with rage and kill. That's not very loving and peaceful.