Everyone Stop Doing Everything!

There are too many studies of about the specific behaviors that will surely result in my untimely demise (for my own edification, when you read the word demise, I would like you to do it as though you were Robert Shaw as Captain Quint from Jaws and say 'D'meeeeze'). As I sit shaking uncontrollably from my bottomless coffee mug, I am reminded of the dangers of excess.

One study says you must drink red wine here and there for the sake of your heart and blood pressure even if you are preggers! I say it is a necessity for the sake of my attitude and those around me. But don't drink too much, the study warns! What is too much? They don't say. Apparently, you'll know when you have too much, at which point it's too late. So too much comes right at the intersection of just enough and too late? Can someone make me a diagram?

Another study says that drinking wine, while good for the spirit does not lower cholesterol and blood pressure. This hurts my heart. Perhaps I should drink some wine. That always seems to help. And who wrote that study? Look closely and it's probably the Hester Prynne academy of good living through cautionary tales.

I do know that I have found it impossible to abstain from alcohol completely during Lent as was my intent. However, I have limited my imbibing to celebratory functions, (Hooray for Tuesday! Cheers!), and have not tippled to the point of intoxication.

I don't know if this booze control or lack thereof makes me a bad person, (which to some people I suppose I am), or a hero, (which to at least a few of my readers I surely am - I'm pointing at you Todd and Jason). What I do know, is that not since I, with all my heart and soul believed in a candy delivering hopping rodent have I been so excited for Easter.

Em asked me what I wanted for Easter; I said SCOTCH! She said, "for dinner, idiot!" And I said, "Oh, sorry... SCOTCH!" Apparently I am not ready for any 12 step programs.

I wonder if my doctor, the man of 50-something who said the first time we met, "Guys our age have to really watch our health" and then looked at the chart and discovered he had 15 or more years on me and shuddered visibly, would approve of my lunch today. I had what I'll refer to as the Jake Blues lunch. Four Fried Chickens and a Coke. And some potato wedges. And a roll. But that's all, I swear! And I only salted everything!

Seriously, stop a moment and contemplate the concept of moderation. Next time you are with someone you know, do a social experiment and discuss what moderation looks like. Here's how:

Make up flash cards that say "Liquor", "Wine", "Sex", "Cocaine",
whatever other vice you can muster. Ask the person what is a moderate
(and therefore implicitly acceptable) level of usage or do-age. Before you
do this,write down your own answers. Compare. Do some statistical
analysis (I'm partial to chi squares) and graph out the standard
deviation from the null (your own idea of moderation) and
send it to me. I will have my research assistant compile it and interpret

the results.

Moderation is not often defined by the medical community, leaving us mortals to guess. If I drink, say a pint of scotch, am I being moderate because I can still walk and talk and play Scrabble and maintain perspicacity? Or am I being immoderate because a pint of scotch, half a fifth, would be enough to put you under, for good? Am I being immoderate because that's like, $25.00 worth of scotch, (assuming I bought the bottle from a store)? Or is it moderate because I could drink far less at the bar and pay far more?

I think there is only one solution. Everyone stop doing everything! Since we cannot agree on what will kill us, we must just cease to do it. Going to the bathroom? Nope. Drinking? Certainly not. Being on Atkins? No way. Being a Vegan? Are you nuts?

I propose a movement, well really a lack of a movement, the central tenet of which is to do as little as possible as often as possible in the name of trying not to die. Because after all, anything... everything you do will surely kill you!