The Marlboro Man's Truck

I don't want to be the Marlboro man, I just want to drive his truck.
No, I don't own a ranch and I don't haul a bunch of junk.
In fact if I had the Marlboro man's truck, there's nothing I would do.
I'd just know that if I wanted to, I could roll right over you.

Sure the diesel is a bit much, I don't need to tow 15,000 pounds;
But those big chrome wheels keep that thing way up off the ground.
Why drive with only two wheels, when you can drive with four?
It's not like it's a six wheel drive, or an eight wheel drive or more!

Sure, there are semis out there with less torque and horsepower;
And after you fuel it up, you need to take a shower.
It is so big that on the road I would be in a great big gleaming bubble.
I would have the excuse I crave to wear cowboy boots and stubble.

The towing mirrors are so gosh-darn big it is easy to look back.
The diesel engine throbs with it's staccato clickety-clack.
No, I don't need the Marlboro man's truck; it's a waste of hydrocarbons.
But I maybe could afford it if I cut back on my bourbons.

That big chrome grille in your rear view would express the world of hurtin'!
That one thing is without much doubt, in fact it's rather certain.
Because I've got the Marlboro man's truck and you best be out of my lane!
For if you don't I'll run you off and you'll be in much pain!
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You may gather from the above rhyming couplets, that I want a truck. I had a pickup once which I loved, but when you buy a car for $400.00 you know it's not going to be a long-term relationship. Fred, the truck, was vaguely blue, but mostly rust. I am sure now that it is long since off the road, its buyer bought it for the fresh and strong 302 under the hood.

For what I used it, Fred was a good truck. I have always wanted a truck since. Last summer I test drove some. I liked them, but convinced myself I was not a "truck person" because I could tell Emily wasn't on board. She has a thing against trucks. She didn't understand Fred at first, either. She came around when she benefited the utility that Fred gave us.

But, to thine own self be true, I want a pickup pretty badly, whether the case can be made for need or not. However, though I have conveniently created an argument that is not predicated on logic, I feel compelled to insert some logic just for giggles.

I have arthritis in my upper back, neck and shoulders and I notice it is very uncomfortable getting down into a car of normal height. It doesn't seem like much at first, but if I am running errands or calling on customers, I am in and out a lot. My neck especially takes some beating as it doesn't like being "cocked" to the right. Emily's car has "fast" windshield and an imposing A-pillar which makes it very hard to get in and out of. My car isn't as bad, but the problem exists and the pain is very real. I could avoid the whole problem if I could climb up into a vehicle.

Being on the road as much as I am it is nice to have the view from up there, too. Instead of being bullied by the taller SUVs and minivans of the world that seem to be completely clueless of your presence and usurp your sight lines. Being a conscientious driver, I wouldn't be that guy. I like the four wheel drive part, too. Winter being what it is. And I don't need a big back seat, I don't have any kids.

I want a diesel engine for the economy and durability it offers. They are inherently able to go 250,000 or more miles without a hickup. And while all that is true, it's also a great big lie, because I really want a diesel because it is cool, it makes a cool noise, it is as powerful as a lineman on meth and you get to fill up at truck stops next to the big rig guys. I love the big rig guys. They always know everything. I guess driving all day with nothing to do but think and learn will do that for you.

Is your internet search about how to get to Mizzoula, Montana causing you annoyance? Go wait next to a diesel pump for five minutes and a trucker will be there to give you step by step instructions adjusted for seasonal load limitations; and they'll be able to tell you where all the cops are, too.

And to all those who would say I don't need a 3/4 ton pickup and that a half-ton would do, I say nuts to you. Why get something that is adequate when you can have something that is more than adequate? Since when was minimally acceptable, acceptable? The money it costs up front would be made back in higher resale value, longer use and lower service costs. So there.

Have I convinced you yet? Yeah, I didn't think so.