This Old House

Welcome to the Uebbing's! We are so glad you could stay with us. I hope you will find our company and your stay warm and welcoming. Our home retains much of its original charm and character. Those are real plaster walls, solid wood doors and custom crown mouldings! Yes, the real hardwood floors creak when you walk on them and could use a good refinishing, but that's part of what we like to call patina!

Built by master craftsmen in 1926 and remodeled numerous times by people of increasingly lesser talent many times since, we feel it necessary to warn you that things might not be exactly like you are used to. Especially if you are visiting from a home built in 1978 or after.

The Paint:
Is missing in spots because we took it off and haven't put any back on. What's left is lead. Don't eat the paint or feed the paint to your children.

The Doors:
They stick open and closed all at the same time. We recommend making a game out of it by guessing whether you will be stuck in your room or locked out. It's harder than you think!

The Shower:
Yes, there is only one and yes, there is a window in it. That's what the blinds are for. Sure they're stained, they're in the shower!

You will notice three knobs over the spigot rather than the usual one. The knob on the left seems to have something to do with the hot water, but we are still unsure exactly what relation it has to the amount or temperature of the hot water coming out, so use caution. Turn the handle clockwise to open the hot water. As a side note, discussing what actually happens when you do this usually makes for interesting breakfast conversation! No two stories are the same!

The right handle is the cold water. Turn it counter-clockwise to unleash either a raging torrent of freezing cold water or but a trickle of something the temperature of beer in a German pub. Also, this handle operates in all axis'. You may find that by turning the knob clockwise, the expected result of which would be to reduce the amount of cold water, instead increases the flow of arctic chill. No worries, simply tap the knob twice lightly with the palm of your hand inward toward the wall. Wait a moment for a change in sound, akin to a jet engine spooling down, then recheck the temperature. Similarly, pulling lightly on the handle away from the wall produces a result, but we just haven't narrowed down precisely what that is just yet.

The middle knob is the mixer. This sends the water up to the spray head. Mind you, the water it sends to the spray head is not the same as the water that was coming out of the spigot, because the temperature and pressure are wholly unrelated to the settings you indicated by following the previous steps. Please repeat the previous steps until the water is to your liking, remembering that if the sound is like an airplane taking off, it will be very cold. If it is like an airplane landing, it will burn off your skin. You are looking for something in between, which is impossible, but good for you for trying.

Enjoy the 30 seconds of hot water that remains!

A final note:
Please do not flush the toilet within 36 hours of attempting to take a shower lest you suffer the profound and mystical consequences that result.

The Kitchen:
Welcome to 1984, Crockett and Tubbs! Sure, the rest of the house is all class and style, but here, white melamine rules the day! And yes, that is the second bathroom hanging right off the back of the kitchen there. You can run the water all you want, we will still hear everything that's going on in there, so keep it clean. It is also cold in there, so please keep the door open in the winter time to avoid the pipes freezing. This costs me on average $200 a year, so let's resolve to work together! If it is hot when you come visit, please keep the door closed. This bathroom is apparently a portal to another dimension whose seasons are opposite of those we have here in our reality. Use common sense.

If you need a pot or pan or utensil, chances are it will require you crawling wholesale into the cabinets as they stretch 37 feet into oblivion. We have tons of storage space, but most of it exists only in Narnia. Ask Emily for assistance if you can find her. I sent her to find me a medium saucepan three weeks ago and haven't seen her since.

The Windows:
Thoreau lived in a cabin in Walden Wood with no windows. Our home has splendid wood casement windows, each with 8 true divided lights. In spite of this, any resemblance to the functionality of modern windows is purely coincidental. In fact, they have a negative R value. Please leave the operation of the windows to one of the house staff.

The Doors:
Each door is equipped with multiple locks designed not so much to actually secure the doors, but more to befuddle and frustrate any would-be burglar. The exception is the sliding glass door out to the terrace on the back of the house. It uses "The Club" to bolster its lockset. "The Club" looks suspiciously like the the remnants of a broomstick handle and is propped in the corner to the right of the door, except when it has fallen over because of a cat or from being placed there haphazardly. If that is the case, it is likely that "The Club" is behind the 2,600 pound hutch on that wall.

The Driveway:
Yes, that ribbon of cracked asphalt that wends its way up one side of the house is the driveway. You will notice, among other features, it is exactly the same width as your car, with the doors closed. Excluding your mirrors and any other non-standard body accessories. If you have a trailer hitch, please do not enter the driveway, for you will not be able to back out, for your hitch will simply dig into the street and you will be stuck until a crane can lift you, (at your own expense), over the crevasse and into the street again.

The Haunted Shack at the Rear of the Property:
This is the garage. No, we don't keep it like that because we love Halloween, that's just what we have. Please don't discuss it further. But also don't go in there unless you like spiders, used motor oil in orange juice containers and abandoned woodworking projects.
And no, the combination lock and motion lights are not meant to be ironic.

The Basement:
Under no circumstances is anyone allowed in the basement. Ever.

The Ventilation:
You may notice some seasonal discomfort relating to the temperature of our home. That is because the furnace apparently blows all hot air directly to the outdoors and the air conditioner is filled with pancake syrup instead of freon. For two days in June and eight days in September, it's perfect. We suggest you dress in layers the other 355 days.

The Cats:
It may seem as though we are lousy with cats, when in fact we have only two. It's just that one comes in and out so much you'd think there were a dozen different cats when instead it's just the one, highly conflicted and totally decision averse animal. The other is only one cat as well, but seems to always be sleeping where you were going to sit down giving the illusion of being many more than one cat. Though she's old, fat and nearly deaf and blind, she has the uncanny ability to be right where you wanted to be. We suggest folding your body uncomfortably around her as she is very fat and not easily moved. If you don't like cats, don't worry, I bet ours don't much care for you, either.


Well, that's about it. We are so glad you decided to stay with us, that is, if you haven't made other plans having read this handy guide. Stay as long as you'd like, or as long as you can stand, whichever comes first. Dinner is served when dinner is done, breakfast is poured daily from our coffee pot and if you want turn down service, I'll give you a tic tac and show you to the nearest bar.