Dear Kraft Foods,
I am writing today because I am extremely concerned about the state of one of your staple products, and a favorite of mine, Kraft Singles. I am long since past the shock that anyone is allowed by our overreaching government to call this, "cheese", but in spite of the blatantly misleading name, there are some serious issues with this product that need to be addressed immediately.
It begins with the plastic wrapper around the stack of slices. Perhaps the good people at Kraft never thought to engineer this part of the cheese packaging for strength. Perhaps you all were under the assumption that we all had avocado green or burnt sienna colored TupperMaid containers into which the slices would go once the package has been opened. This is just not realistic. My Mother-in-law is perhaps the last person in the known universe who still has her resilient cheese slice caddy, circa 1974. The rest of us are relying on the increasingly flimsy film wrapping that the stack of slices come in to keep those very slices from becoming errant in our refrigerators.
Without some kind of wrangler, the wily slices tend to slip and slide all over and end up in the darndest places. It is almost as if they are magnetically monopolarized rendering them impossible to keep together. Even if they manage to stay corralled in their general intended location, the corners tend to get all sad and dark and dry. This renders the slice inedible, even though with slight melting the condition seems to reverse. Clearly it's a miraculous self-healing product. But I have a psychological inability to eat dried up American Cheese under any circumstances.
The next problem is also in regards to the packaging. Seriously, has anyone in any consumer testing panel ever successfully opened either the outer wrapper or the individual slice wrappers successfully? Ever? Even once? Because I have been consuming your product on virtually a daily basis for at least 30 years. The mind reels at the true number of Kraft American "Cheese" slices I have consumed in my life. It is surely incalculable.
What is not incalculable is how many of those packages or slices I have opened successfully as designed. That number is zero. Zero times out of, perhaps 100,000 opportunities. This is a failure rate that even a Chinese factor wouldn't accept - and I watch Fox News, I know those Chinese are up for almost anything.
The knock-on effect is that the part you are supposed to use to grab and pull to remove the wrapping breaks, leaving behind a diabolical puzzle for which there is no solution. At the end, much of the cheese slice is mushed hard into the remaining plastic which winds up with most of the cheese in the trash can and me putting another twenty in the swear-jar. Seriously, I funded a trip to Europe after one night of making grilled cheese sandwiches. It's an epidemic.
What's left of the now wasted cheese slice needs to be dug out from under my finger nails. It is disconcerting for guest to walk into the kitchen and see you with a nail cleaner over top of their Triscuit. You can try to explain, but by then the party is pretty much over.
The usable remainder of the cheese slice that survives this common tableau is now subject to the greatest of all dangers - the nuclear nature of the now melted cheese. Seriously, what is it about the slices that retains, magnifies and eminates heat to disfiguring levels? I have burnt at one time or another the equivalent of over 80% of my body and it has to stop. There is no reason why a perfectly innocent person should fall victim to a pernicious molten glob of American "Cheese" after being melted in the microwave for only 15 seconds.
Is this product a failed prototype from your military division? Perhaps at one point it was to replace napalm? I am just speculating here, but maybe the good people at Kraft and talented engineers at Raytheon were co-developing a super weapon that became obsolete with the ever changing face of war on this planet. In order to reduce the losses, each company repositioned their product and thus was born both the microwave oven and the American "Cheese" slice.
I am asking you to please address these dangerous product flaws posthaste. Winter is coming and I don't know if I will survive another meal of grilled cheese and tomato soup. I still have the remnants of the blisters from last year when I had the audacity to bite into my grilled cheese without the requisite 2 hour cooling-off period. My dermatologist said without Kraft Cheese, he wouldn't have the boat or the second home. His son is going to Yale, and he's an idiot, so you know business is good!
Thank you for your time and attention.
Sincerely,
Bill Uebbing
PS, please excuse any typos. My hands, what remain of them, are wrapped up in gauze, leaving only the nibs of my former fingers exposed to peck out my thoughts. The good news is the Otolaryngologist says I should have some function of the left hand side of my tongue again, soon. The right side is still anyone's guess, but I refuse to lose hope. When I am able I will call you to discuss this matter further.
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