Don't Eat the Paint!

Among the many items that took me by surprise this year at work camp was the addition of lead paint training. I should have known this was coming, as I am aware that the federal government has been on the lead paint warpath.

Now, the danger exists primarily for kids under 6 and even then only if the paint chips themselves are ingested directly. There were no kids on our site while we were working and we were working outside, so even any minute amounts of lead dust were pretty much rendered harmless.

We had to watch a terrible video that not only was mostly inaudible, but poorly demonstrated the actual correct techniques for keeping yourself safe. In essence, we wasted 20 minutes watching the mandatory video and 20 more unlearning what we learned. All this in the name of safety.

Furthermore, it cost the organization through which we were working additional thousands of dollars in materials, training, oversight and permitting because of these new requirements. And the protocols would be strictly enforced since there was federal grant money issued to help defray the costs.

Yep, you read it right. The federal government issued a non-profit organization money to cover the costs of additional fees levied on behalf of... wait for it... the federal government! Makes the golden rule a bit harder to follow than the old timey basic "do unto others..." since the government is involved the golden rule is more like; "do unto others that which you have express or implied consent to do based on the tenets herein as listed in part B subsections vii-ivcm..."

"Hello, Christian brother and sister, we want to help fix your home to keep it warm and safe and dry just as Christ taught us to love our neighbor as ourselves... sign here, here, initial here, put a spot of blood or feces here. Oh, him? That's Morrie, our lawyer... he's Jewish but said as long as the check clears he doesn't care."

I could have taught the training in fine fashion in 2 seconds. "Don't Eat The Paint!" This is good, practical information for everyone to follow, whether the paint is lead or not.

One of the students in my crew asked, "If we're not supposed to eat paint chips, why do they call them chips? It makes them sound nummy! They should call them paint flakes... no one eats flakes."

To which I rattled off Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes, Potato Flakes. She rolled her eyes as if to dismiss me, but I thought she had a good point. So for the rest of the week, we called them "paint don't-eats."

The governing body came by to check our containment work. We had followed all protocols, but I defy you to keep a paint don't-eat from going wherever the hell it wants to go; especially when launched by a scraper at full... um, scrape. My "containment area" was apparently inadequate because some of the paint don't-eats got out. Now, whether the were launched, or whether they escaped I don't know. I hear these things are a real menace. they will kill you just as soon as look at you. I guess we didn't treat them with enough respect.

So, the governing body told us to clean up better. I therefore had 6 high school students on their hands and knees in the brush and overgrown grass around the porch picking up paint don't-eats with their fingers. This is what they gave up a week of Playstation and pool time for. We finally ended up taking a shovel and simply turning the paint don't-eats into the ground.

I wonder if they will begin to grow and take out the whole of the community, or if the myriad slugs and cave crickets will feast on them and morph into a new giant menace that tramples all under foot, at least until Godzilla gets on the scene to save the town.

I would worry about the water supply, but you'll find that in most established (read older) communities pipe the water to your home in... wait for it... lead pipes. I don't recall signing a waiver to drink a cup of water.

As I write this, I am getting hungry and I realize that it is because paint don't-eats sounds a little too much like paint donuts, which sound utterly agreeable. I guess it is back to the drawing board for an appropriate moniker for this menace to society. I am so glad the federal government is on the case for this one... the last thing I want it a lead paint chip sliding slowly down a spider web laughing evilly as it jumps into my gaping maw while I sleep; unaware the danger that threatens me.