More Miscellani

Your Symptoms May Vary

I am watching the national nightly news, that great lumbering dinosaur that continues on in spite of itself through all its antiquated delivery and overproduction. It is clear that the audience of the national news programs is skewing a little older these days as the advertisements are all about either affordable term life insurance by Colonial Penn or prescription drugs.

We have a pill for everything from asthma to vertigo stopping to visit erectile dysfunction several times on the way. It always scares me how many side effects there are. Keep in mind the drug companies aren't required to list all side effects, only those found to be statistically significant during testing.

Are you kidding me? There is one drug for "mild to moderate plaque psoriasis" that has a list of side effects longer than my arm. The last one on the list suggests you will certainly die from even being in the same room as this medicine. At least you will leave a corpse free of mild to moderate plaque psoriasis, so you can have an open casket. I occasionally have bouts with mild to moderate plaque psoriasis and I can tell you that aside from the rare visit to the dermatologist for some cortisone cream, it is a mild to moderate annoyance at the most. Certainly not worth dying over. If people hate their dermatologists that much, it seems to me the dermatologists themselves need to take a good long look at themselves.

And that's my biggest issue. A lot of this stuff can be so easily treated without resorting to the pills. Remember Restless Leg Syndrome? Me either. But if I recall there was a media blitz and two competing medications came out at the same time. We don't hear too much about this anymore because after all, we could switch to decaf and the problem goes away.

All the ads are exactly the same, too. Impressive voice over artist with a calming but authoritative voice over pictures of people smiling at each other for no reason. They will be wearing a lot of cotton clothes and there will be a breeze coming from somewhere off camera. They walk through the park that leads to a beach and then to some cheerful bumper cars where they laugh and look surprised each time they get bumped. Finish with the couple sitting on the settee of a deluxe resort hotel before a roaring fire.

You work hard. Shouldn't you be able to relax and pursue your interests
at the end of a hectic day? Kids, stress, bills. It all adds up. That's why you
need Fukitol from the makers of Ambivolize. New advances in medical science
have made it possible to combine the relaxing effects of Sleepinex with the
benefits of the powerful anti-depressant duohydroxyconhexapentathyozine
to create Fukitol. One Fukitol relieves the daily stresses that plague your life
and fills you with a sense of well-being and ease.

Side effects are generally pervasive and have been found to increase with
breathing. Ask your physician if you are right for Fukitol as some patients
with organs will experience total organic liquefaction within minutes of taking
Fukitol. Patients who are not at risk for seizures, don't have liver or kidney
problems, high blood pressure and spastic colon will if they take Fukitol.
Fukitol is not recommended for people over the age of 47 or who have jobs.
Fukitol is not habit forming, but modifying the dosage has been found to cause
spontaneous cranial explosion in some or all patients.

Finally you can live your life free of day to day pressures. New Fukitol, ask
any Argentinian doctor if it is right for you!

I Like Ike

Election season brings us the ubiquitous and never ending campaign ads that we all know and hate. This year has been especially derisive in my neck of the woods. These ads are just as derivative as the drug ads. Menacing sounding music and a scornful voice-over artist over bad pictures of the candidate with dark colored backgrounds filled with red suggesting the candidate burn in hell, followed by the voice-over artist suddenly lightening up and the music becoming a powerful major key fight song that draws tears to your eyes for no reason at all and talks about how wonderful the other candidate is.

Harry Deucheman avoided the draft in Vietnam and threw rotten eggs at our
troops. Rotten eggs bought with your tax dollars. Harry Deucheman once read
a book about Hitler and taught Creation to his Sunday school class.
Harry Deucheman wants to eat your babies and tax you for crying about it.
Harry Deucheman and his liberal friends voted to kick you in the nuts. Call
Harry Deucheman and tell him his policies are dangerous.

Michael Angel fought for your freedom in Vietnam killing 35 gooks with his bare
hands before liberating an entire village in the Me Kong Delta. Michael Angel
does not know who Hitler is and believes in natural selection. Michael Angel voted
no on dead baby taxes and supports humane swirlies, not swift kicks in the nuts.
Michael Angel is one of us.

I am going to run for public office and instead of allowing my opposing candidate to run a negative campaign against me, I am going to go negative... on myself.

Bill Uebbing has a name that is hard to pronounce. Bill Uebbing doesn't like
fried Okra and once double dipped at a party. Bill Uebbing hasn't spoken
to his mother this week and never goes to see her. Bill Uebbing once
forwarded an e-mail that everyone had already seen. Bill Uebbing is not good
at arts and crafts and can't even color in the lines.
Call Bill Uebbing and tell him that tie doesn't go with that suit. Bill Uebbing
can't even dress himself. Do you really want to put him to be your Assemblyman?

I figure this will take the sting off the things that would really come out about me during a campaign. Add the unsavory things I have done and my propensity to extemporaneously drop the F bomb without even knowing it and you've got one notable candidate.

Vote early and vote often. Remember the charming quote from Ronald Reagan- Republicans act like each day is the 4th of July. Democrats act like each day is April 15th. This Tuesday you have the choice... the evil empire, the crazy loons or the professional taxation specialists.