Yesterday I held a job fair. In Michigan, an open job of any type is sort of like a feeding frenzy in a fish tank. Big fish, little fish all fighting for a scrap regardless of its size, shape, color or taste. It is quite sad. I never feel good about myself after looking people in the eye and saying non-committally, "Thanks, if I feel you are right for the position I'll call you," because mostly what I want to say is, "You can't be serious, right? I'm totally on T.V. right now!"
I thought I would make a helpful list of interview faux pas that you can avoid in case you are out and about looking for grab at that morsel floating down from the surface.
1. Don't show up smelling like alcohol. No, chewing gum is not a sufficient cure for your breath. Please don't waste my time. You could have a letter of recommendation from the Pope, but I will not hire you if you are drunk at two in the afternoon.
2. Don't chew gum. Alcohol breath or not, it is unprofessional. Besides, as a qualified janitor (the position for which you are applying), you would know that gum is evil and should be outlawed. Stick to mints.
3. Use the mints! For the sake of all humanity, please don't drink a double latte and come to the interview breathing your breath all over me. Gross.
4. Don't smoke 10 days before the interview and wear clothes that don't smell like smoke. To be honest, I will pick a non-smoker over a smoker all the days of the week. They are healthier, miss less work and when they do work are more productive. I have friends that I knew for six months before I knew they smoked. If you won't quit, hide it.
5. Really, that BSA tee-shirt and frayed cuff jeans are the best you can muster? There are a million places withing walking distance that will clothe you for free if you tell them you are interviewing for a job.
6. Bring your own pen. If you aren't prepared to fill our forms and take notes, I have a real good idea of how efficient and proactive you are(n't).
7. When I ask you if you have questions for me, make one up. Anything. Show me you are at least trying to give a crap.
8. When I ask you why you left your last job don't tell me it was because you and your boss had a falling-out, even if it is true and you were right and he was wrong. I will look at you as the potential problem. Sometimes as your boss, I am going to ask you to do something that you won't like or don't want to do and you will have to buck up and do it. It's called work.
9. You had better have a real good explanation for the three year gap in employment. If you don't, I assume you were in prison or in an opium den or something. Either way, it isn't good. If you don't have a good excuse, make one up... like taking care of a sick family member or something.
10. Please don't apply for a position that requires a clean background check and drug test if you have a felony, are in the process of being convicted for a felony or are thinking of committing a felony. The reason I said you have to have a clean background is that my clients require it. No amount of in-prison school and tax credits can change that. And by the way, assaulting a police officer is not a "minor felony."
11. Don't tell me you have reliable transportation if you don't:
A. Own your own car
B. Have a valid driver's license
C. Are insured
Your mamma's cousin Ray-J giving you a ride is NOT reliable transportation. I know, because I just fired Ray-J for not coming to work because his car broke down!
12. Don't ask me what the date is. If you don't know, leave it blank on the application... or be creative and say something like, "Time is really flying... I can't believe the year is almost over...", inevitably I'll come back with, "I know, I can't believe it's the 20th of October!"
13. For the sake of Quasimodo, sit up straight. I don't want to be here, either.
14. Avoid telling me about how your kids are handfulls and you were late because one of them just got suspended from school for murdering someone and you had to pick her up... I can't legally ask you if you have children. don't offer the information.
15. Silence is golden. If I don't ask you a question, don't answer it. I am looking over your resume, I am thinking of the next question to ask. It is not an invitation to chit-chat. there are 50 people behind you and one position. Be respectful of my time and theirs.
I'm sure there are a thousand more. Some of these might seem a little rough, but the truth hurts. It is what it is. Increase your chances to get noticed by following these simple rules and happy hunting!
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