...And I Would Walk 500 Miles...

The time of reckoning is nigh. I estimate that by 1:00 p.m. Tuesday, October 19th, my car will hit 100,000 miles. I have had very few cars with this many miles on them. I am known as being a little restless with my cars. I normally don't keep them very long compared with most people.
So, the fact that Grandma Marjorie Rubenstein (Ruby/Large Marge the Barge) is becoming a chilioicentenarian is a big deal to me. Today, I washed and waxed her. She cleans up ok, but she definitely looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet a few times.

For instance, there's the beat up trim around the driver's door window where someone broke in the car because they felt as though the stuff in it was misappropriated in my custody. There are the small dimples where the back of the car and some of the roof was ravaged by a pernicious little hailstorm last summer. There are the scars on the rear bumper commemorating the time I backed right into a retaining wall, just as though I meant to. There is road rash all over which despite my best efforts cannot be buffed out and the wheels have a lot of scrapes and brake dust stains on them.

Overall, she still looks pretty good. Sure the driver seat squeaks like a taxi cab and she has a wicked shimmy at 80... and the driver's side power lock doesn't work, and the one touch power window switch for the driver's window is no longer one touch, and it needs a brake job, and some sway bar bushings. The carpets are dirty because the factory floor mats, inadequate from the beginning, are past their sell-by date. But most of these problems will be solved by the bi-annual interior detailing that I will perform tomorrow and the major service that will be performed after I get my next paycheck.

I have a wandering eye and have been searching for awhile now online to find Ruby's replacement. But, I can't make up my mind. Even if I could, the Controller says it wouldn't matter anyway as there are no funds for a new ride.

Basically, I have to love the one I'm with for at least another year, by which time the car will have far more miles on it than any car I have owned. How many cars have you owned, Bill? I am glad you asked because I have every intention of telling you.

My first car was a 1986 Mustang. Navy blue with smurf blue interior. It had a removable moon roof which was wonderful. I loved it. It was my first car and therefore I was able to look past many of its flaws. The main one being it was owned by a woman who I think didn't take too good care of the car. It was $3,500 and my father bought it for me. He had to, by that time he had already bought my sister a fleet of cars that she went through like matches on a windy day. And I was a boy. I named it Griffin. It was terribly unreliable as most cars of the era were. My dad would have to rescue me from being frozen within on the coldest winter days at it would freeze shut. Several times I had to crawl in through the hatch back and out through the aforementioned sunroof.
My second was a 1977 Toyota Corolla so rusted that when I went to buy it, a bird flew out of the hole in the front fender. There was a full-on nest in the fender. It was brown, but you couldn't tell, because there was only intermittent metal held together by impressively large swaths of rust. It cost me $175.00 and it was worth every penny and not a penny more. It was meant to be a winter beater. I bought it in July. It died before winter. It was so comically awful that I did not feel bad when we had a painting party and all my friends spray painted various things like a peace sign and some lewd phrases on it. I also had a million bumper stickers on it, most load bearing. One said "OTAY!" like Eddie Murphy's SNL Buckwheat. I got $75.00 for scrap value after the braked failed and I was quoted $700.00 by the man at Tuffy who was shitting his pants he was laughing so hard. It qualifies as the slowest, ugliest car I ever owned. It couldn't win a drag race with an 88 horsepower Ford Fairmont wagon fully laden with six football playing boys in it. It's name was not polite, so I won't mention it here.

Next was the 1989 Probe GT which was turbocharged to within an inch of its life. It could beat almost anything on the road due to a little "modifying." It had so much boost that it regularly blew the spark plugs straight out of the head. It was a huge step up from the 'Stang. I remember thinking I was invincible on account of all the technology it had. 4 wheel disks with ABS, independent rear suspension, variable rate dampers and I'm sure even more that I have forgotten. I showed my friend Jon how well they worked by cresting a hill at over 100 mph and slamming on the brakes on the down slope for the stop sign up ahead. I expected the car to perform a miracle. We went through that stop sign at nearly 80 mph. thankfully there was no cross-traffic, so I guess the car did perform a miracle. I learned a lesson that day. Her name was Lilly because the sale of some Eli Lilly stock made her possible. seems they had just gotten approval for a little drug called Prozac and the stock rocketed. She was $7,250 and if I could have her back, I would. She was wonderful all the way around.

I bought my sister a 1981 Honda Prelude that much like the Toyota had terminal cancer. It was vaguely blue and well ventilated. It was a 5 speed and had an electric sunroof. I was fond of it. I don't remember what I paid, but it wasn't more than $500.00. My sister needed a car and a Honda is nearly unbreakable. No sooner did she pay me back for the car did she blow it up. When I say blow it up, the Kentwood Fire Department was involved. I never saw that car again. I just took the title to the wrecking yard and paid $25.00 and I didn't own it anymore.

Abigail Blue was a 1998 Ford Contour and my first brand new car. It was navy blue with navy blue interior. It was a V6 with a 5 speed. It was a snappy little number and I liked it. But what a chunk of crap. I couldn't believe I paid $16,000 (a huge sum of money to me even now) for such a bad car.

I traded Abigail in on the first Grand Marquis, a 1998 silver Ultimate. It had been old lady driven said the salesman. I believed it, too since the seat belt smelled like old lady perfume. It was essentially a brand new car with virtually no miles. I paid almost nothing for it. Her name was Grandma Belle, the Broadway Bomber. I loved her, but she got ass-ended in Jersey and the love affair was over. I believe I paid $15,000 for her. That was a bargain and when I traded it in, I believe I got $10,000. The car was basically free.

In came Elwood Blues, the Chrysler 300C which is the most expensive and fastest car I owned. At $33,000 I expected a quality automobile. I loved it so much and still think it is in concept the perfect car. But it was a Chrysler and as such was constructed of 100% post consumer corrugated material held together with spit and the power of prayer. It was plagued with problems, beset with quality issues and the dealership was crap. But they were so popular, that even though I put 70,000 miles on it in two years, I got more than what I owed out of it. And they say American cars don't hold their value.

In came the Mazda CX7, which we leased. It became my wife's car. It was ok. It was pretty and had decent utility. Good stereo. All wheel drive made it sure footed. The car had no name. It never inspired one. That's all that needs to be said about that. I seem to recall the sticker on that being $34,000 but since we leased it, it doesn't count.

In 2006 I officially bought the family Corvette, Bruce. She had been in my life for 18 years at that time. She was my prom ride, my wedding ride and generally the coolest car I have had. She is still with us and probably will be forever. She is like an old movie star, best when viewed from afar in dim light. Too close and too bright and the veneer of beauty gives way to the flaws that permeate her visage. I paid a very fair $7,500 for the car. It is now not worth $5,000. Hey, Dad. Can I get a $2,500 rebate?

I drove what used to be my wife's car, a 2002 Mazda Protege during the CX7 period. It was silver, sharp and peppy, good looking and reliable. I will say it is simply the best car I ever owned. If it was a 5 speed, I'd still own it. The automatic was the only thing I didn't like about it. It has a great sunroof, solid power and never asked for anything but gas and oil. Her name was Lucy. I miss her. she was my second brand new car and was originally bought for Emily. Her sticker was in the $17,000 range, but we paid $15,000. We bought 2 cars in one month from the same dealer, so we got a little deal. We bought her to replace Emily's car, Bo which is the only mention of that shunck of chit I will grant. Lucy's final gift was an amazing resale value that made it possible to buy Ruby.

Emily took the CX7 for a service and saw the preview of the new Mazda6 and said she wanted it. So, we went in, signed the papers and essentially for no additional money (other than continuing our monthly payment) leased Haley. Her lease will be over in October 2011. We may keep her, because I am done buying my wife new cars since she doesn't hardly drive and I am tired of paying so much for something that simply sits in the driveway. Or, we won't replace it and live for 6 months with one car until Ruby is paid off. We can keep Ruby and I can have my new current dream car.

I am totally eying a new Mustang. I think the V6 will suffice, six speed, premium electronics package and sport package. Should run me $35,000 new, or maybe I can find one off lease or repo'd and pay a lot less. That would be ok, too.

Did you count? That's 13 cars mentioned here. The first bought in 1991. That is an average of just under 3/4 of a "new" cars each year. But it doesn't include several I bought and sold for the purposes of making a profit. Factor in those and you can add 7 more which brings us to an even 1 new car per year. A nice round number.