Bad Joke Tuesday

The local soft rock station used to have a tradition known as "Bad Joke Tuesday", which I called frequently. I was well under age and so would disguise my voice in the way that only kids think makes them sound like adults. I always used my Dad's name.

I won a dozen donuts with one joke, which was the booby prize. Not being satisfied, I called right back, now with an accent, since I already blew my best, "Luke, I am my father" voice. Talk about commitment. And it was a long joke.

I shall not attempt to reproduce the joke here, because it is long and the punchline requires singing. They loved the joke and I won the first prize, tickets to see Yakov Smirnov. Imagine that being a prize of any size, let alone the grand prize. Hey, Grand Rapids was just a quiet berg back in the day, Yakov was a headliner.
I know I've written about this before from a different perspective, but Jerry Seinfeld was his opener and was brilliant.

I digress. The important part of this version of the story is that after telling this joke in what could kindly be considered and "inconsistent" accent, they asked my name.

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

"Yvonne," I said... "From Ecquador."

So while I am sure they didn't buy it they were cool enough to fake it. They put me on the radio, which I never heard because I had to catch a bus and I sent my Mom to get the tickets for me. I took a priest friend of mine and he treated me to dinner before the show.

So, I told two bad jokes for the privilege of hearing Yakov tell 45 minutes of them. Seems fair.

What does this have to do with anything? My sister just called me. A friend of hers from New York texted her at three this morning.

The text read, "What kind of drink is a Sandy?"

My sister, having spent a fair bit of time on both sides of the bar, wrote back, "You mean a shandy? That's a beer with lemon lime soda in it".

"No", came the reply, "A Sandy... It's a watered down Manhattan."

So, being it is an Election Day and a Tuesday, I thought I would resurrect Bad Joke Tuesday, if only for today. without further Ado some bad jokes. Some of my own, some classics. If you care to guess which are which, please feel free, but I won't tell you off hand which are which.
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Each day at 5, a doctor leaves his office and heads to a bar below his office and each day the bartender has a daiquiri with a cinnamon stick in it ready for the dock. Only today, the bartender realizes he is out of cinnamon sticks. So, thinking quickly, he grabs a piece of wood from beside the wood pizza oven, and puts it into the drink.
The doctor takes a sip and immediately asks, "What is this?"
And the bartender replies, "Why, it's your hickory daiquiri, Doc!"
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I heard the new church is state of the art. People are raving about the apse store!
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A priest and a rabbi are on a plane. They lapse into the inevitable spiritual debate. As it gets more heated, the plane has mechanical problems and crashes into the side of a mountain.
Of course, only the priest and rabbi live. the priest opens his eyes to see the rabbi giving himself the sign of the cross.

"Oh, Lord!," the priest proclaims, "In this moment of tragedy, I take notice of your glorious conversion of this man!"

"Conversion? Wvhat conversion? I was checking to make sure everything was in place... Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, Watch!"
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A priest and a rabbi who were friends we eating at a deli. They were jovially poking fun at each other when the conversation turned to eating Kosher.
The priest said, "I bet you've never had a ham sandwich. You don't know what you're missing!"
to which the rabbi replied, "But is is better than sex?"
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pile of leaves? Russell.
What do you call a girl with on leg longer than the other? Eileen.
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Why does the new Italian Navy have glass bottomed boats?
So they can see the old Italian Navy.

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A man is driving and suddenly sees flashing police lights behind him. Without hesitation, he speeds up and begins to drive as fast as he could.
After a chase, the cop finally gets him to pull over. the cop asks the man why he ran?
The man replied, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"
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A man is pulled over by a cop.

"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," says the man.
"That's not true, Harold," blurts his wife, "I told you you were speeding five minutes ago!"
"Shut up, Mildred before I slap you!" said the man.
"Jeez, lady, your husband always talk to you like that," asked the cop?
"Nah," she said, "Only when he's drunk!"
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Finally, one of my all time favorites:

Timmy, Tommy and Achmed are at recess. Timmy and Tommy won't let Achmed play with them in the sandbox. The bell rings and they all go back to the classroom.
Just like every day, the kids line up before the teacher and one by one tell her what they did for recess.

"What did you do, Timmy?"
"I played in the sandbox with Tommy!"
"Very good, spell 'sandbox' and you can have a cookie!"

"Tommy, what did you do?"
"I played in the sandbox with Timmy!"
"Great! Spell 'played' and you can have a cookie!"

Achmed's turn now and he looks sad. He explains he tried to play in the sandbox with Timmy and Tommy, but they just kept kicking sand in his face and calling him names.
"Oh, Achmed, I'm sorry. That wasn't very nice of them. But if you can spell 'institutionalized racism', you can have a cookie!"