National Grammar Rodeo

I made myself laugh just now, from something I wrote four years ago. It was a response to an e-mail I got from a co-worker... truth be told, a boss. It said exactly this:
bcbs-omni?????????????

My reply was:
Wow, thirteen question marks and I still have no idea what you are asking me. Can you add some more question marks, please?  I'm sure I get it then.

I didn't much care for the person who wrote this to me and I am glad she has been gone for quite some time now. The company, at least my life within it, has been much to the better for her absence.

Emily's blog, is about a proposal she is reading for a project committee she is on. It is terrible. It is clearly schlocked together and was not proofread, or even really given a once-over before it was turned in. A large part of my job is putting out proposals, so this is something that really sticks in my craw.

On top of that, I am considered a bit of a snit when it comes to usage, grammar and speaking. This is not to say I am perfect... I make plenty of mistakes and I can't diagram a sentence to save my life. The fact remains I put more than a little thought into my professional proposals and in my regular writing. I try to speak and write with clarity and precision, following the rules that have been lain out before me.

Except, I don't know whether I just used "lain" right, so I looked it up. I found this handy chart, courtesy of The Grammar Girl Website at www.grammargirl.com:

It made my head hurt. I may have to lay down. Lie down? Ugh... I don't know. So I took a quiz, also on The Grammar Girl website. Somehow, I got 5 out of 6 correct. "Congratulations!", she said, "You have mastered lie lay lain."

Could've (could have) fooled me. I don't (do not) feel any smarter or more prepared now than I did before. All I know is that I have a better than 80% chance of guessing correctly if you write a sentence with a blank in it and ask me to guess which word I should use.

I make that digression so you know I am not wallowing in my pomposity and do not believe I am holier than thou art. That being said, I would like to turn on the "Rant Button" for a few moments.

When did the apostrophe (which looks like ' for my truly lost friends) come to rule the world? I don't remember when people started putting an apostrophe in all words ending with the letter S. Do they put it in because they can't (cannot) remember when to put it in or take it out so they put it in just hoping it is right? And then does the person reading it say, "Oh, crap... I don't (do not) remember if I'm (I am) right or not, so I won't (will not) say anything so I don't (do not) look like a douche."? And then the apostrophe scattering mad man says, "Whew... apostrophes everywhere from now on!"?

Let's (let us) review
You have a singular word: Phone
The plural of which is: Phones
Never: Phone's

When you write Phone's, what you mean is a contraction of "phone" and "is", like in, "Honey, the phone's ringing."

Now, just because we are lazy and fat and stupid and say things like "Honey, the phone's ringing" doesn't mean we should write it that way. There are a few contractions that are acceptable and I don't (do not) want to get into them now, but I will say that some people go way too far out of their way to make a contraction.

What is this powerful evil draw the apostrophe has upon Americans? I  wikipedia lists "shouldn't've" as an acceptable contraction. It is not an acceptable contraction. If you are contracting more than two words, you are spending more time being lazy than if you just typed them out!

Ok, I am experiencing a little topic drift here... back to the basics of singular, plural, possessive and possessive plural. Please jot down, in your own words the following sentences. Go ahead, this is all prerecorded. I will be here when you are done. You won't (will not) be left behind, (though perhaps someone in third grade should have pondered doing just that).

A man, whose name is David, has a phone. The phone is ringing.

First of all, notice I did not write "A man, who's name is David. Why? Because if anyone on the street caught you saying "A Man Who Is Name Is David..."  would shoot you and it would be justifiable homicide. That's (that is) why!

Now, whose (not who's) phone is it?
A. David's
B. Davids
C. Davids'
D. David's'

If you answered A, you are correct. If you answered B or C you may still read on to discover the error of your (not you're) ways. If you answered D, please pin some mittens on your jacket, go to the street, wait for the shortest bus you see and hop on. You have found your people! Be free, perpetual field tripper, the world is your oyster!

What if David has more than one phone? David has:
A. Phones

That's (that is) the only answer. Stop being so complicated. It a simple plural word. Phones. Leave it.

How many of you wrote sentences that looked like this?

David's phone is ringing.

You are my people.

How many of you wrote a sentence that looked like this?

Davids' phone's ringing.

First, there are a lot of Davids in that sentence and we already talked about "phone's" as being lazy and inappropriate unless you are Mark Twain. If you're (you are, not your) Mark Twain, you can write any old thing in quotations, because you are brilliant and aren't (are not) to be questioned.

Are you Samuel Clemens, (that's {that is} Mark Twain)? Are you? I didn't think so.

Now, smart ass, you say, what about when a word ends in S?

Here in west Michigan, we have a restaurant called Russ'. It is pronounced "RUSSESS". It belongs to Russ, (hence the apostrophe to show possession), or the Russ family, which means it belongs to multiple Russessessesss. That is expressed the same in our language so it's (it is) still Russ'.

It is not Rus's and it certainly is not Russe's or Russ'es'. Laughing? Don't. I've seen things, man... bad things.

Whose (not who's)  restaurant is it? Russ'.
Who's (not whose) the owner? Russ.

The truly astute among you, and I believe I have two or even three astute readers, will notice I've (I have) been adding a handy parenthetical guide  to contractions right in the text of this blentry. Use it.

I would get into "its" and "it's", but I have already passed an aneurism just trying to get all this out so far. I fear my body won't make it, so I'll (I will) give up.

Grammar sucks. Grammar is boring. However, all is not lost. Check out the book "Eats, Shoots and Leaves - The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation" by Lynne Truss. It is a small book, handily sized to go with you anywhere. I am sure for those of you advanced enough, you could download it to your iPad or Kindle or Nook, (Of course, I am not totally comfortable recommending anyone download anything to their nook).

Thanks (not thank's) for listening. Y'all (you all) have a great day now, y'hear (you hear)?