Monday Miscellany

On The Other Hand

My left hand, the dominant one, is wrapped up. I had a little surgery last week to relieve the carpal tunnel in my wrist so I could feel my fingers again on that hand. It has been three years since I last felt them consistently.

The procedure went well, was short and the results immediate. The only issue now is the off-an-on pain at the site of the incision, which is mostly minor, and this bandage, which I can't ditch for seven more days.You see, there is a long list of things you can't do with a hand when it's bandaged. There are only a few things on that list that truly matter. For me, those important two are cooking, and wiping my butt.

Gross. I know, but everybody poops, and I am no exception. For some reason, I can't make my brain work using my right hand for that particular function. It's a pain in... well, suffice it to say neither hand is especially happy with the current arrangement and both will be all too happy to get back to the way things were real soon.

Of course if I can't prepare food for myself I suppose I could significantly reduce the effects of the other. I have a nice wife and nice friends who have been providing for me in the food department. Also, does it look like I am prone to skipping meals?

Bathing is another fun project. I have taken to double wrapping ol' lefty in grocery bags to keep it dry and kneeling in the tub. It works. I can't complain, there are people with disabilities who deal with far greater obstacles every day. I just think it must look awfully funny to see me holding my razor with my double-bagged left hand. Did I mention the bags are taped around my forearm with painter's tape? Did I have to?

Today being my first day back to work, I got around writing notes for my appointment by taking the iPad and clacking notes out on that. Even now typing this I am able to use the wrist bump thingy as a sliding fulcrum and use the middle finger of my left hand to hit the keys. It causes no pain to my wrist, though I must admit I am not as fast, nor as accurate with this arrangement.

Again, the human spirit and my natural indefatigability rise up over small obstacles. It's nothing that other heroes don't do every day, so let's not make a big deal out of it, shall we?
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Men are From Mars...

 Kudos, NASA, for your triumph today of landing a rover on Mars. I can't wait to find out what you learned by way of the dulcet baritone of Morgan Freeman. I wonder, do you have Mr. Freeman watch the images as they come in and narrate them to you in real time?

You should. that guy makes science really, really interesting.

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...Women are From Venus

Emily is now the wedding coordinator at our church. Why anyone would want to be married to me, be the junior high youth director and a wedding coordinator is far beyond even Morgan Freeman's ability to make me understand.

I bring this up because the couples in our church have to attend a class about the ravage...I mean the joys of marriage. My dear wife, being one who must experience things in order to understand them, decided she should take the class.

Which means I will also be taking the class. Actually classes, as they are on two Saturdays during college football season.

Help me, Mr. Freeman!
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The Great Divide

We are a nation divided. This is not the forum to get into deep political commentary as I endeavor to keep things light around here. But I wonder what ever happened to agreeing to disagree agreeably?  It seems that we as a people have allowed every issue to become a wedge and are using those wedges to drive us out to the fringes of political thought.

I think we need a national debate, moderated by Morgan Freeman, whose soft, comforting tones will help us all gain the perspective we need to help understand that we have many more sames than differences. Ossie Davis would have been my first choice, but he appears to have died seven years ago so that is likely out of the question.

Waylon Jennings always did a great job narrating the cliff hangers before each commercial break of "The Dukes of Hazzard", but alas, Mr. Jennings checked out a decade ago. He really would have appealed to the traditional country conservative demographic.

Though facetious, I really am in search of the one person or persons trustworthy enough, likeable enough and neutral enough to help us all get back on the same page... or even in the same book! It isn't either man running for the top spot now, and I bet no such person exists. If he or she did, one side would declare them the antichrist and boycott their business and molotov cocktail their neighbor's house for putting up a sign that they don't like.

I leave you with this latent response to the also now deceased Rodney King's most famous utterance; "No, we clearly can't all get along. Now, make room at the bottom of that swimming pool."