Hitting 'Reset'

I've had a lot of time to think this week. Unfortunately, my week has consisted of an unplanned and forced sabbatical from routine. I have been ill. Not a little ill or inconveniently ill, but really ill. I have been knocked on my ass, frankly, with a couple days being spent mostly in bed alternating between reading and "resting restlessly" and the rest of the time shambling around the house and slouching in my easy chair swathed in blankets and cats.

This fact was not well received by those with and for whom I work, making it even more of a struggle. Sitting at home lamenting being sick while outside forces make being sick a crime is a double whammy.

As I stare at 40, much like I did when I stared at 30, I am taking stock of my life, my direction and the person/husband/son/brother/employee/mentor that I am. I'm not freaked by 40, but I do tend to set my life rhythm to time benchmarks. I understand time. My mind is prone to asking why start something on Thursday? That's not a day to start anything. Hell, by Thursday, I'm focusing on wrapping up the week... Let's do it Monday. Fresh start. New week.

Birthdays, New Years, Lent... these are common benchmarks people use to take stock, make resolutions, come to understandings and perhaps even get around to actions.

Upon looking, I discovered much. Much to like, and much that needed to change.

Interesting that in moments of need, answers come our way to help us untie the knot of conflict. In reading this week, it has come up in multiple books that as workers we spend fully 50% of our waking lives working. We spend untold more hours being on our way to or from work, thinking about work, being preoccupied with work and otherwise not fully engaged in our own lives, families, needs and journeys.

That's fine. Hard work and purpose go hand in hand for me. I don't have kids, so I strongly identify with work. But what's the payoff? What am I supposed to get in return?

Money?

Satisfaction?

Career growth?

A feeling of success or that I made a difference?

Have (at least a little) fun?

Populate your own list. Our expectations are all different. There is no one right answer to fit all people.

It has become clear to me recently my input didn't align with my expected and needed return. Moreover, I came to the conclusion by way of introspection, reading, and covenant conversations with mentors in positions uniquely qualified to offer quality insight, that they never would.

Just as with so many other times in my life, when I needed it most, an opportunity came to me from the clear blue sky.

So, I notified my company that I had made the difficult, but completely correct decision to part ways. It's a good company. Many, many great people are involved. I have been fed, clothed and housed for seven years in return for my investment of time and labor. I have learned,laughed, yelled, become enamored, disillusioned , achieve great clarity, been higher than high and lower than low... sometimes within the same week. As the song says, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

And then, I got sick.

Timing as they say is everything. And for the last week, I sat on the sidelines, unable to play in my last big game and the coach just handed me my walking papers.

No chanting my name, no Gatorade baths, no being carried off the field on the shoulders of my teammates. Just an inglorious end to what in retrospect will be regarded as the most fascinating time of my life so far, with all the wide open vagueness and opportunity for ambivalence for which the term allows.

I just know I'm done.

So,I face an unexpected but welcome week to go before the new gig. I'll be hitting reset. I've already been catching up on reading and learning and I shall continue. As my strength returns, I shall endeavor to walk, and get fresh air. There is a honey-do list the length of the Dead Sea Scrolls that I can work on, too.

When I was younger, this sort of thing would have had me brooding, angry and indignant. Time has told me that I cannot control circumstances so much as I can control my response to them, and how they affect me and inform how I should cope.

Another central tenet of reading that has come up during this week of infirmity is the notion that everyone wants to change the world, but few start with themselves.

So, I'm hitting 'Reset'

Let's try this again.