Retrospecticus

I guess it's appropriate to give a little fond adieu to 2013. It wasn't a bad year for us, and in fact, seems like a generally good year for most of the people I know. Which is good, because 2008 through 2012 really sucked eggs. I ain't talkin' chicken eggs, either.

Lots of political people did stupid things in 2013. And I don't mean just in their inane actions and stupid speeches. I mean the new color of orange that John Boehner chose is a mess. Who is his wardrobe consultant? He looks like a 1969 Dodge swathed in "Mango Madness". The man is so irrevocably tinted, it's no wonder he is prone to breaking out in tears for little or no reason. Most of his organs are leaking out of his tear ducts.

President Obama acted like a typical second term president and essentially delivered every speech, pressed every policy and attended every event with middle finger boldly extended. Who can blame him. Ever quit a job? What was your last two weeks like? Fun, right? I mean, who offing cares? Not this guy. Why else would you take a selfie at the funeral of Nelson Mandella? Stay classy, Mr. President.

Not like it matters. Presidents' legacies, at least in immediacy,aren't within their control anyway as our broken media machine will just crank and crank and crank their own agenda through the medium of punditry. I think I would have a pretty relaxed attitude toward constituent service under the same circumstances.

So, congrats, Mr. Obama for properly defining "change". Turns out, the more things change, the more politicians stay the same.

U.S. Air and American Airways merged to form the worlds largest airline. Finally, an airline big enough to care about me, the passenger. I hear that their new unified pricing structure will include new seat stratifications to attract a larger pool of potential fliers.

In addition to the standard First Class, Business Select, Business, Coach and Economy classes, they will add "Al Fresco" class, whereby seats on the wings will provide additional capacity and much needed revenue. You are urged to wear a coat.

Finally "Feelin' Lucky" class, which uses aircraft in various states of repair that would otherwise just be empty as they are ferried to a repair hub.

This option cannot be purchased from the ticket counter or website. Instead you have to tell a skycap that "Jose" sent you, at which point you will be given a pair of maintenance overalls and spirited into the hangar area where you hand your money, (or weed, or promise of sexual favors), to the guy at the door. Travel insurance is not available for this option.

In the boardroom, U.S. Air/American Airways are kicking around new slogans:
"Now falling out of the sky in twice as many cities"
"We can delay your travel to every major U.S. Hub"
"You may be going to Poughkeepsie, but your bags are chillin' in the Bahamas!"

The new airline did confirm that peanuts will cost extra, but since there will invariably be some allergic douchebag on every flight, that won't be an issue for most passengers. Also, there will be a $1.25 surcharge on pretzels. There will be a $2.50 surcharge on "no thanks" and a $5.00 surcharge on ice water, with a  two ice water limit.

Heads will be replaced with pay heads. 2 quarters will be required for entry. Two required to lift the seat. 4 quarters to make the faucet work and an additional 2 quarters to leave. Of course, for convenience, passengers can still swipe their credit card for convenience. There will be a $52.00 surcharge for this.

There is a $51.95 surcharge for not using the restroom at all.

Apple Inc. of Cupertino, California continued its slide into mediocrity by selling more and more products that only sometimes work and don't work well when they do work, all in the name of pushing more volume. Somewhere in the distance, Steve Jobs is very, very angry.

In related news, Samsung and Microsoft sued Apple for stealing their business model.

On the international front, Syrians are still getting killed. Iranians still hate Israelis. Iraqis still want the U.S. out of the country. Afghans don't know what to believe and Palestine can't believe it's the most normal and well-adjusted nation out of the whole region. Who knew?

French people took time off their busy 35 hour work week to protest the new law requiring 37.5 hours of work per week. Jean-Louise Ste. Delange de Philemon, a labor expert in France exhorted, "Now I have to come up with creative ways to justify doing nothing for an additional two-and-a-half hours per week? Sacre bleu!" Like most French protests, the uprising was short-lived and ineffective, ending at lunchtime.

Music was a mixed bag in 2013. Groups like The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Needtobreathe and others kept it real by using a lot of banjo. So much banjo that I thought I was listening to the bluegrass channel on the radio when in reality it was the adult contemporary hits channel.

But for every contra cello that sneaked its way onto an album in 2013, there were countless Mileys, Biebers, Ke$has, Maroon 5s and other talentless hacks destroying any hope that the aliens monitoring our radio waves will land and teach us the secrets of the vast universe. Every time the cast of Glee opens its mouth, we are doomed to another 20 years of waiting.

Public radio held two full weekends without a pledge drive in 2013. A record.

Among the celebrities who died in 2013 were notable actors, musicians and political figures. Lucky bastards.

There was a future King born in the U.K., which is kind of like saying some day I'll get Social Security. If I do it will be far too late and far too little to mean anything.

The Government sold the last of its shares in GM. The net loss to taxpayers was $50 Billion dollars. The Government could have held on the shares until the gap had closed a bit, but thought better of reversing decades of bad decision making. "Hey, we can always just print more money," one Treasury official said. "No one has tried that before, right?"

Unemployment sunk to a five year low. And so did the hundreds of thousands of people whose unemployment insurance ran out. "This isn't over," former Leahman Brothers financial analyst Bryce McMann muttered in his sleep as he synched up his sleeping bag under the overpass where he sleeps.

The so-called assault on the middle class continued unabated in 2013. One politician was heard to remark that America was never based on a class system anyway, "So the middle class is just a myth." He went on to dump hot lava on the protestors out front of his office while an aide pounded an ominous beat on the kettle drums.

On the home front, we made out a will and trust in 2013. Just like before the will and trust was executed, no one gets anything. Unless your name is Visa. Then you get about 50% of what you want. You'll have to harvest our organs if you want anymore. Mine are worthless. You'll be wanting to speak with my wife who actually takes care of herself.

I'm sure there are other notable things to remember about 2013. But why hang on? Time keeps flowing, like a river to the sea. Hey, is Alan Parsons still alive? He is? Does he read this blog? No. Okay, good.

That's all for 2013. Here's hoping 2014 is less tragic, more funny, less impoverished, more wealthy and all that. As we pass the torch of supremacy to the Chinese in the form of our increasingly worthless dollars buying increasingly worthless crap from increasingly greedy merchants, let us pause and remember that fewer and fewer people in America can remember a time when we were the envy of the world; and to whom the American dream was something real and wonderful, not something ironic and nebulous.

America 2014 FTW!