It's a play on words.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading it as much, or perhaps even more than I have enjoyed writing it. Which I haven't yet done, since I'm doing it now. Having fun so far? Good. Me too.
Dear Blogfodder,
My Mother-In-Law is staying with us for "awhile" and is really starting to get on my nerves. She asked us to repaint the room she is staying in because it felt too "old" for her. I have a feeling she isn't going anywhere soon, and she seems pretty comfortable, ever since she and her husband got into a big fight over how much tuna to add to the casserole.
She micromanages everything right down to the food served at each meal. But doesn't help shop or cook. She sure does complain if something isn't just right. My biggest issue is that my husband won't tell her "no" or draw any boundaries. I feel like he's not on my side!
Plus, we haven't, you know... in a long time. He won't, you know... when his mother is here and he's too cheap to get a hotel or take me on a weekend getaway. I'm afraid I'll never, you know... again.
What should I do?
Signed,
I Don't Know and I Want to
Dear I Don't,
There's a lot of ways to get rid of an unwanted pest like this fazzoo of which you speak. You just need to choose the right one. Does your Mother-in-Law drive her own car? There's a great website about how to make brakes stop working that's almost undetectable. If you're not mechanically inclined, look me up, I got a guy.
Or, perhaps you could take her on a long walk. One where only you come back.That's what I had to do when my associate, Vinny "The Mook" got too comfortable and started strutting around like he owned the place! Fahgeddaboutit!
But then again, She's just a sweet old lady who needs a place to stay and be loved! Clearly she feels lost, alone and abandoned. She has turned to you and your family to ground her and make her feel useful. You should go consult your priest on how to pray for patience. Or you make the first move and you make the arrangements to take your husband away for a nice long weekend. Give him the business like when you were dating. The whole thing... you know what I'm saying... the whole thing. I bet you'll get your time away from then on.
____________________________________________
Dear Blogfodder,
I got this guy who's all over me like a rash. Every time I do something or go somewhere, he's up in my grill. He outranks me in the family run organization of which I am a made ma... lifetime member. But he just doesn't treat me with any respect!
He took my cut of a job we did last month and wouldn't tell me why. He just said I didn't hold up my end. Well, I sure held up something! It was all over the news!
I wanna go to to the boss and tell him, but I'm afraid I'll end up riding in the wrong part of the car.
Help me, Blogfodder?
Signed,
Made in Brooklyn
Dear Made,
This fobondu is asking for a whack job. I mean, who is he to hold out on your end of the deal? You're a lifetime member of the organization! That's not good... Not good! Stand up and be a man!
You plant the seed to the old man that you seen him talking to the cops. Try to get permission to do the big job on him.
Then, you tell him you got a big deal working that you want to bring him in on. Tell him to meet at a neutral location, real late at night. Then do the full Luca Brassi on him and watch his beady eyes pop out of their sockets!
You'll get promoted for taking care of a rat. Of course, I'd be prepared to lay low for awhile after that. The "organization" ain't so good at keeping secrets no more.
But, on the other hand, maybe you oughtta know and respect your place. In the family, this man is over you, like a father over a son. Accept your position within the organization, and accept that this man, in his own special way is trying to teach you lessons about humility and patience.
Keep your nose clean and look for ways to get promoted using the knowledge this boombatz has given you.
__________________________________________
Dear Blogfodder,
I am a man in my twighlight years. I have enjoyed a good life. My children make good livings, I have a nice retirement. My wife keeps herself in shape, I got a five car garage and all sorts of toys.
But I find myself still feeling sad.
Can you help, Godfodder?
Signed,
Helpless and Hopeless
Dear Helpless,
At what age did your parents fill in your hop-hoo and decide to raise you as a boy? Common Nancy, you got the American dream... people kill for what you have! I've killed for much less than this! What a gabone you are!
If I was your family, I'd take you out to the edge of the property and gaboom! right in the back of your soft, lilly flower pansy-ass frou frou head and bury your creamy, bird-like body in the stump of a rotted out tree!
But I digress.
Depression is very real and I think you should benefit from professional help. You've lived your whole life and now you deserve to enjoy it. Sometimes, a simple chemical imbalance can cause the feelings you describe and that can be fixed by taking a pill daily.
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