RIPs

Mr. Funk died the middle of last week. He was my next door neighbor growing up. The Funks were great neighbors, invited us to parties, kept the house looking nice from the street and didn't roll their eyes every time I came around.

Mr. Funk was funny, and as a final joke, he left us in his casket, shirt and tie pulled back just enough to reveal the Superman shirt on underneath. He was a huge fan of Superman. It was fitting. I will always remember him being a funny man. He told me jokes that were above my age limit and understanding, some I didn't get until much later.

When I was a wee lad, I was going out with a cute red-headed girl. Mr. Funk asked me to describe her and after I was done he said "yeah, but do the curtains match the rug?" I was maybe 10. I had no idea what he meant until a few years later when it just sorta hit me. It still makes me laugh.

RIP, Mr. Funk, you will be missed here on earth.
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Phyllis Diller cannot be explained, she must be experienced. My first experience with her was as an animated guest star on Scooby Doo. Like so many in my generation, that's how I learned about pop culture. I met the Globetrotters, The Monkees and so much more on Scooby Doo. Following the career high of Scooby Doo was The Muppet Show and The Love Boat. Both were really big in my house; and so even from the time I was very young, I knew who Phyllis Diller was.

And that she was funny. And classy. I like funny and raunchy... Roseanne, way back before she lost her last name(s) was funny raunchy. I liked her stuff. Joan Rivers could swear a blue streak and was terribly mean spirited. Funny. But mean. Diller was first, and like Bill Cosby, seldom resorted to overtly blue material, opting instead for delighting in entendre. Classy.

I cannot eulogize Ms. Diller as well as those who knew her personally, but it really does say something that everyone I know who is a cohort of mine knew Phyllis Diller and her humor and was sad to see her go. Considering she was in her late fifties when I was born that is quite a long and lasting legacy.

Here's to you,Ms. Diller. I hope you and Johnny and Bob and Dinah are having a ball up there... speaking of a ball... say hey to Lucy for me.
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I have never been to San Francisco, but Scott MacKenzie's eponymous city song always made me want to go. A troubadour in the classical sixties mold, he wrote and co-wrote many songs you and I know word for word, even if we didn't know he had a hand in writing them.

Thanks for the gentle melodies from a turbulent time.
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We are all immortal, really, or at least we live on long after we are physically gone. Through children or the people who surrounded us. We will continue to be the subject of stories anecdotes, and maybe even legends. I am amazed that people I haven't seen in a long time or don't talk to with regularity will quote back to me things I have said to them. It is as shocking to me they remember what I said as it is when I hear what I told them and really like it.

I guess in the end, that's what we are all living for if we are doing it right. Leave a lot of good memories, wisdom, humor and positive energy. Immortality without having to pay income tax... not a bad gig.

The D Word

The patient has NOT fulfilled his deductible.

Those are the words that appear at the bottom of the explanation of benefits from my insurance provider. Over top of that is a graph that shows how much the insurance paid for my surgery. The answer? Predictably zero. Zero dollars. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nil.

I pay my insurance like anyone else... about $600.00 a month, or $7,200 per year. And on top of that, I have a $2,000 deductible for each of us, (Em and me). So, that means, in simple terms that in order for my insurance to really "pay" for anything, I have to spend $7,200 first. Except prescriptions, I don't pay a lot for those.

Now, at the ripe old age of 37, I have never, ever spent $7,000 on medical anything. I know I am only a few tests and a polyp or a tumor away from that number, which is pretty small in the face of a hospitalization. But, really?

For my recent surgery, I had a doctor's consult which cost me money, an MRI which cost me a lot of money, another test which cost me money and a surgery which cost me a lot of  money. When all is said and done, it all combines to cost me less than $2,000. But the insurance still didn't pick any of that up because of my "deductible".

Well, so should I just "deduct" insurance out of my life?

Because of the aforementioned and unavoidable tumor or polyp or car accident. I scarcely know anyone who gets out of life alive without some sort of hospitalization. Which assumes some sort of hospital bill. There are no small hospital bills.

And when it comes down to it, I can pay the $2,000 without selling off the family silver or hawking Grandma's mink, (back then fur wasn't murder, it was cold outside). But what about all the people that are low/no income earners who will soon be forced by the universal health care plan to have insurance?

I am not asking because I am espousing a particular view... I'm asking because no one seems to know, or want to tell me what happens to those people. And anyone who claims to know has a different answer from the last person who claimed to know.

From what I gather:

A. Great, now I have insurance and I can finally get all that work done I need... Holy shit! What's a deductible? I can't pay that! What a scam. Well, they'll have to send it to collections and take me to court and garnish my wage so I will have to get some sort of assistance  because now I can't afford to eat.

B. Great, now I have insurance premiums that come out of my check so I am taking home less money. And to top it off, I still can't afford to go see a doctor because of the deductible, so I guess I'll just have to pay and not receive any services in return.

C. I ain't buyin' no 'surance from no gubment. This is 'Merica! And I'm 'Merican! Then, I guess according to the plan (at least from what I have heard) is that Jimmy Rick Joe Bobby will have to pay higher taxes because he didn't buy insurance of one form or another. Wow... that doesn't seem 'Merican, either. But again, and I don't know if this is fact so don't go getting your britches all in a hitch, the IRS doesn't think it can constitutionally enforce that levy!

D. Nosotros no hablan Inglés, y aunque yo nací en los Estados Unidos, mis padres son ilegales. Así que me temo que el gobierno va a utilizar este programa para encontrarnos y separar a nuestra familia.
Por lo tanto, mis padres están abandonando sus puestos de trabajo y tomar los nombres de mis tíos para que podamos solicitar prestaciones por desempleo. No confiamos en el gobierno y la Piensan que están tratando de dividir y deportar a nosotros. 
(We do not speak English, and although I was born in the United States, my parents are illegal. So I'm afraid the government will use this program to find and remove our family.
So my parents are leaving their jobs to take the name of my uncle so that they can apply for unemployment and food stamps. We do not trust the government and think they are trying to divide and deport us.  )

E. I'm an insurance company executive. I am so glad the government made everyone in America have insurance, because we want everyone to be healthy and live forever... so they can buy more insurance! And because those suckers pay us whatever we charge for anything, because, and I'm letting you in on a little secret here, the government... Doesn't know anything about insurance! Whooo, dog... these are good times, indeed. Good, good times.
And since every consumer is beholden to our industry, we have more latitude than ever to charge whatever the hell we want to and no one can do a thing about it! We all cry about how it cost us so much money to insure the previously uninsured and someone has to pay. Hey, I guess it's you!

F. My name is Bill Uebbing, I am a Business Development Manager for a mid-sized building services company that operates in 8 states and has about 1200 employees. We are in a cutthroat industry where every cent counts. The only reason people use a contract company like us is because we can do a better job for less money than if they tried to do it themselves.
The problem is, companies have been squeezing us for 10 years. We are doing jobs now for less than we did then. And the companies still want us to give more.
What happens when we have to provide insurance to all 1200 employees? We will certainly have to raise our prices. This will cause the financial and economical advantage of having a contractor to virtually disappear causing businesses to look at us as a middle man.
Once the economic advantages are gone, many companies will "in source" their services because it will become cheaper for those people to be company employees.
My living will dry up and I will be unemployed. I will lose my house, I will have my cars repossessed. I, once a member of the working middle class, the class that supports the backbone of this country, will be poor.


I guess I don't know the facts on health care or Obamacare or whatever you call it, but I do think I know this much... the government doesn't, shouldnt, cannot care about you in that much depth unless you are shooting someone, being shot at by someone or planning to do either of those things.

Why should they even try?

Monday Miscellany

On The Other Hand

My left hand, the dominant one, is wrapped up. I had a little surgery last week to relieve the carpal tunnel in my wrist so I could feel my fingers again on that hand. It has been three years since I last felt them consistently.

The procedure went well, was short and the results immediate. The only issue now is the off-an-on pain at the site of the incision, which is mostly minor, and this bandage, which I can't ditch for seven more days.You see, there is a long list of things you can't do with a hand when it's bandaged. There are only a few things on that list that truly matter. For me, those important two are cooking, and wiping my butt.

Gross. I know, but everybody poops, and I am no exception. For some reason, I can't make my brain work using my right hand for that particular function. It's a pain in... well, suffice it to say neither hand is especially happy with the current arrangement and both will be all too happy to get back to the way things were real soon.

Of course if I can't prepare food for myself I suppose I could significantly reduce the effects of the other. I have a nice wife and nice friends who have been providing for me in the food department. Also, does it look like I am prone to skipping meals?

Bathing is another fun project. I have taken to double wrapping ol' lefty in grocery bags to keep it dry and kneeling in the tub. It works. I can't complain, there are people with disabilities who deal with far greater obstacles every day. I just think it must look awfully funny to see me holding my razor with my double-bagged left hand. Did I mention the bags are taped around my forearm with painter's tape? Did I have to?

Today being my first day back to work, I got around writing notes for my appointment by taking the iPad and clacking notes out on that. Even now typing this I am able to use the wrist bump thingy as a sliding fulcrum and use the middle finger of my left hand to hit the keys. It causes no pain to my wrist, though I must admit I am not as fast, nor as accurate with this arrangement.

Again, the human spirit and my natural indefatigability rise up over small obstacles. It's nothing that other heroes don't do every day, so let's not make a big deal out of it, shall we?
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Men are From Mars...

 Kudos, NASA, for your triumph today of landing a rover on Mars. I can't wait to find out what you learned by way of the dulcet baritone of Morgan Freeman. I wonder, do you have Mr. Freeman watch the images as they come in and narrate them to you in real time?

You should. that guy makes science really, really interesting.

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...Women are From Venus

Emily is now the wedding coordinator at our church. Why anyone would want to be married to me, be the junior high youth director and a wedding coordinator is far beyond even Morgan Freeman's ability to make me understand.

I bring this up because the couples in our church have to attend a class about the ravage...I mean the joys of marriage. My dear wife, being one who must experience things in order to understand them, decided she should take the class.

Which means I will also be taking the class. Actually classes, as they are on two Saturdays during college football season.

Help me, Mr. Freeman!
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The Great Divide

We are a nation divided. This is not the forum to get into deep political commentary as I endeavor to keep things light around here. But I wonder what ever happened to agreeing to disagree agreeably?  It seems that we as a people have allowed every issue to become a wedge and are using those wedges to drive us out to the fringes of political thought.

I think we need a national debate, moderated by Morgan Freeman, whose soft, comforting tones will help us all gain the perspective we need to help understand that we have many more sames than differences. Ossie Davis would have been my first choice, but he appears to have died seven years ago so that is likely out of the question.

Waylon Jennings always did a great job narrating the cliff hangers before each commercial break of "The Dukes of Hazzard", but alas, Mr. Jennings checked out a decade ago. He really would have appealed to the traditional country conservative demographic.

Though facetious, I really am in search of the one person or persons trustworthy enough, likeable enough and neutral enough to help us all get back on the same page... or even in the same book! It isn't either man running for the top spot now, and I bet no such person exists. If he or she did, one side would declare them the antichrist and boycott their business and molotov cocktail their neighbor's house for putting up a sign that they don't like.

I leave you with this latent response to the also now deceased Rodney King's most famous utterance; "No, we clearly can't all get along. Now, make room at the bottom of that swimming pool."