Pills

Best read in the style of a Johnny Cash like talk-singing country drone with a little guitar vamp behind it:

I need a pill to remember if I took my pills
I need a pill to forget all my ills
I need a pill to help my bladder fill
I need to fill the holder that holds my pills

I need one pill to make me pee
I need another pill to help my knee
Yet one more pill to make me smile
Still Another pill so I can live for awhile

I got pills that shake
I got pills that rattle
I got one pill developed for cattle

And they all say terrible things will happen to me

I shouldn't drive
I'd better not drink
One makes me dry
One makes me think
One make me dizzy
One makes me sad
One makes me happy
One makes me mad

One pill says not to go in the sun
Another one says it may give me the runs
Still a third one's warning is really obtuse
It tells me not to drink grape juice

I have no idea what for or why

I got little white pill
A little pink pill
A big pink pill
Another white pill

If I get them mixed up I'm afraid I'll die

I long ago stopped keeping score
I don't know what half of them are for
Their shapes have got me mystified

One's like a football
Another a star
One is short
One is tall
One is chalky
One is smooth

Some are round with writing on it
The writing means nothing I'm sure of it
And some taste really, really bad

I got more pills than a Hollywood doc
Ain't none of them growing my... uh rooster
Because the ones for pain and pleasure I cannot take

I got pills for my kidneys
I got pills for heart disease
I got pills for allergies
Probably even for twins Siamese
God knows for what else

This business of pills
And treating my ills
Is proving hazardous to my health