Another fall is upon us. I hate it. It's that simple. No flowery phrases needed. I hate fall.
"But, Bill," you ask, "what about all the pretty colors?"
That's death! You sadistic, twisted monster! Stuff is dying. You should be sitting shiva, and instead you weirdos are out there taking special drives in the country to ogle at death!
"Oh, Louis, look at the colors!" you say.
But if you spoke tree, you'd here them screaming and crying, "We're dying and all you do is stare at us! Help us!"
"But the air is so crisp!"
Yes, the Arctic Express and Alberta Clipper have a tendency to make what was a perfectly wonderful period of temperate weather seem particularly brisk. Give it a month. You'll be cashing in frequent flyer miles for as far south as you can go. Lexington, perhaps. Or, if you don't have a good program, Toledo.
I don't like fall. Not for what it is, but for what it portends. The whole season is an omen for the disastrous period coming on its heels. Fall is screaming at us, "When all that is living, and the very earth itself are preparing to go into stasis, It's a good time to get out!"
But, like every stupid family at the beginning of every horror movie, we stay. "Let's just splash some paint on the walls and smudge some sage, the place will be like new!"
Nomadic tribes never put a person on the moon, didn't have HBO, and literally kicked people out of the tribe by lighting their house on fire, (hence being 'fired'). Yet they were savvy enough that they would head back down the hill when things started going downhill.
Maybe that's why we call it fall after all. It isn't because the leaves are falling, it's because the whole thing is about to collapse. Falling is bad. Always. Never once in the history of mankind has falling been a good thing.
Rome fell. That poor lady on the TV fell 25 years ago and still can't get up. Stars, athletes and religious wonks fall from grace. A person's smile falls into a frown. When the bough broke, the cradle fell - with baby and all!
For you intellectuals who might counter that the Berlin Wall fell and the Third Reich fell, and those were good things, I would say to you that the Berlin Wall falling and putting Germany back together may not prove to be so good. Germans, are the same people that brought you the "war to end all wars", lost it, and then brought you it's sequel! You think we've heard the last of them? When they're the quietest… that's when you need to pay most attention.
"But love, Bill. People fall in love!"
Sure they do. Like Syd and Nancy- with great toxicity and eventually, death. Paul and Heather, too. Ask Paul if sleeping with a cute-ish blonde amputee was worth the $275M it cost him. Britney and Kevin were in love long enough to make a baby. Two babies, even. By my math, they were in love for as long as 30 seconds! There are any number of other tragic couplings. Ask the minions of divorcees how they feel about that!
I might add, people fall out of love just the same. The saddest song there ever was is "When Autumn Leaves Start to Fall." Oh. My. God! That proves it…your argument is invalid.
Fall is bad. We should run, people. Not walk. Burlington can't make enough coats. Bridgestone can't produce enough snow tires. My deep freezer is cannot hold enough Girl Scout cookies, bourbon and fatty meats to get me through the winter.
Those same trees you all ooh and ahh about will be chopped to smithereens and sacrificed to the use of my chilled bones as I huddle afore the hearth, staring intently at the warm, dancing flames, wondering, "should I jump in?"
I'm not monied, so I can't 'winter' anywhere. I'm stuck. Que lastima! I will have to hunker in, bear down, grit my teeth, gird my loins and stiffen my upper lip. All of which will be hard to do while I'm in the fetal position, facing the corner, rocking and crying softly to myself. Weeping salty tears, which before too long, will freeze to my face holding its contorted look of anguish in suspension until that day comes on the other side when the sun shines warmly again upon my face and the rain falls softly upon my field.
Until we meet again… wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.
